The sexual revolution has long been over, and no one will stone us anymore for unofficial yet healthy relationships with men. However, there are certain types of men you should avoid. Let’s conditionally divide them into two groups — those you can be with, but only briefly, and those you should never be with under any circumstances.
Can be with, but better not
“Sandwich” — always lands butter-side down. Whatever he touches goes straight to hell. He spills champagne on you, dumps a bowl of salad with dressing on your new dress, loses his wallet and the keys to your car, steps on your dog, breaks your beloved grandmother’s porcelain shepherdess, misplaces passports and tickets an hour before the flight. Moreover, such a “sandwich” is often into extreme sex, which, given his luck, clearly risks ending in injuries.
“Chinese Assembly Model” — this subtype has a fragile emotional (and physical) constitution that breaks at the slightest touch, and fixing it seems impossible. He’s endlessly sensitive. You’ll have to monitor not only your words but also your glances. Capable of falling into deep melancholy if he receives not fifty, but only forty-eight text messages from you. Even calls his penis “my poor little guy.”
“Your Kitty-Beast” — circles around you for a year or two. Courteous, charming, but once he has even a hundred grams of strong alcohol, he starts undressing you with his eyes. If you get curious, beware: after the first intimacy, “kitty” will bombard you with texts demanding confirmation of his bedroom brilliance and calling you “my sweet pussy.” He’ll demand the same in astrology. And you’ll have to lie. Evening phone calls are out of the question — “kitty-beast” has long been firmly married to a domineering woman he fears to the point of hiccups. Always arrives with fruit packages from the supermarket nearest to your home.
“Hit-and-Run” — has slept with all your girlfriends once each. Energetic and fast, his visit lasts no more than an hour. He rushes in, does his thing, takes a shower, and dashes off. Don’t expect the relationship to evolve — it won’t. Unless you’re just ticking him off your list?
“Holiday Crasher” — a minor yet often attractive type who loves to show up precisely during holidays, hoping for a good meal and plenty of drinks. Don’t expect anything from him worth more than a bottle of sparkling wine. That’s usually what he brings, intending to crash at your place for about three days. Can be fun, honestly pays back food, drinks, and sex, knows many jokes, and can be the soul of the company.
“Star-Talker Conversationalist” — energetic, cheerful, relaxed. Has been married, definitely has kids. Endlessly tells stories from his life containing not a gram of truth: “And once I dove from a crane into a flooded old construction pit with concrete slabs at the bottom… And died on impact!” Won’t let you get a word in because, for him, the main thing isn’t you or even sex, but the chance to talk.
“Daddy” — don’t confuse with “papi.” This one is usually older, more important, and slower. Wears a small beard and a massive ring. Favorite phrase: “Baby, with me you’ll be happy. I know what you need for happiness.” He’ll choose your friends for you but won’t rush to pick out a fur coat or a ring. His promises aren’t worth half the effort you’ll have to make to awaken Daddy’s weary being.
“Uncle Doctor” — obsessed with a healthy lifestyle, often a vegetarian. Drags you to restaurants with “clean” yet tasteless food. Takes the suggestion to go to a steakhouse as a personal insult. Knows everything about STIs, wears three condoms at once, carefully inspects them against the light beforehand, sometimes tries to blow them up to test for leaks. Catchphrase: “Where does it hurt? Oh-oh-oh, I understand you so well… I read somewhere…” — followed by a dull lecture making it clear that, living this way, you personally should have left this world five years ago.
Cannot be with
The second group provokes strong rejection. Because these men always lie, because no one has ever truly mattered to them — that’s how they’re wired. And with you, the situation won’t change in the slightest.
“Young Man from a Good Family” — high-quality jackets, polished nails, pinky sticking out, devilish skill in using twelve table utensils at a single meal, soft and articulate speech. A distinctive trait — love for nearly unknown writers, composers, artists, and philosophers. Will test whether you know Pavlo Tychyna’s work an hour after meeting you. No need to immediately sign up for the Lenin Library and the conservatory. He’ll marry only his neighbor, whom he’s known since she was three months old — and only if she passes the external exam and pleases his mother.
“Half-Demon” — doesn’t quite make it as a full demon. He’s silent, even gloomy, desires bedroom pleasures, but if after passionate embraces you hear something like: “Ah, don’t waste your time on me… I’m cursed. Don’t stop me from rolling into the abyss, darling…” — step aside immediately, don’t hinder his descent.
“Skunk” — oh-oh-oh, you’ll recognize him the moment he takes off his expensive shoes and a wave of “aroma” knocks you off your feet. Know that other body parts of this fellow are no less fragrant. Do you really need this?
“Unrecognized Genius” — identifiable by his inspired look and burning gaze. Absolutely convinced he’s an artist, a writer-poet, an actor. A thoroughly creative personality. Genial in any imagined role. Catchphrase: “Only envious creatures around, darling. Yesterday at the Central House of Artists…” Can be thievish, sincerely believing the universe already owes him big time for failing to provide a decent living — after all, he’s a genius. And you and your wallet are part of that universe, so why not share? And he shares. On his own. Without informing you. Better say goodbye right away — especially after the “genius” hints that it’d be nice to have coffee at your place… Often handsome, which they exploit.
“Martyr” — as soon as he gets hope of ending up in your bed, be ready to hear the story of his terminally ill wife, from whom all female organs — internal and external — have been removed. She’s been bedridden for the last ten years (how their little son was born remains a mystery to everyone) and so disfigured by illness that compared to her, Kikimora looks like Sharon Stone. He’s lying. Walk away immediately.
“Gentleman-Hooligan” — at your first dinner in a restaurant, you’ll hear how “we’ve got everything covered, everything’s paid for.” Then he’ll order a song about “the white swan shaking the fading star on the pond,” four times in a row. Or five. On the second date, he’ll give you a ring. On the third, he’ll drag you to bed, and here refusal is not accepted. He’s used to getting more than he invested. Can be dangerous, as he fundamentally doesn’t understand situations where someone might say no.
“Fake Oligarch” — everything about him is fake. The watch — a replica of an expensive brand, the car — rented (notice the ignition key, usually marked with a small number), he only goes to restaurants where he has credit with a friendly maître d’, and the apartment he’ll take you to is borrowed for the night from a friend. Just notice how insecurely he behaves there. Still, the fake will try to break into your place too. Always takes Viagra before sex because in bed, he’s nobody, yet wants to become a super-male.
Fortunately, all these types become recognizable quite quickly. The main thing is to keep your eyes open.
