We are becoming stronger. We are overtaking men on the career ladder, without taking off our heels. We are independent, responsible, goal-oriented, and in response to offers of help, we increasingly say: “Thank you, I can do it myself.” And then we complain to our friends over Friday latte: men have become weak and infantile, no support, no responsibility.
The country of grown-up boys
According to a recent sociological study, almost half of women agree to live with an infantile partner, and a quarter are willing to try in the hope of reforming him. According to another statistic, 27% of men under 35 in the most prosperous countries in the world prefer to enjoy home-cooked dinners prepared by their parents and are in no hurry to move into their own homes.
It all begins in childhood. It so happens that the education system has long been under female control. Boys are taught and raised by women. They are told: take an example from the girls. Don’t run around during breaks—don’t you see how dignified the girls walk in pairs? They are told: behave properly, or you’ll grow up like your father who ran off somewhere. They are told: be a real man—without explaining what exactly the role of a real man entails. Or they do explain—but only as women themselves see it.
And then… A friend once complained that in a crowded subway, a drunken man was harassing her. There were dozens of men around, taller and younger, but upon seeing this awful scene, they averted their eyes and stubbornly pretended nothing was happening. The woman made it home terrified and in tears, and the next day she signed up for an aikido course. “I can’t rely on men; I can only count on myself.” A closed loop. Because men won’t become stronger just because women take up self-defense. And blaming men alone—those still ungrown boys—is simply not fair, because next to every weak man stands a strong woman.
What they are like
“Favorite sons.” “Every son once had a mother of whom he was the favorite son. And every woman had a mother of whom she was not the favorite son”—from the book by psychoanalyst and writer Judith Viorst.
Beloved sons, pampered and spoiled. They have their lunch brought to them on a tray, they are given money for the movies, and their shirt is always ironed. And as they leave: “Sonny, don’t catch a cold,” and “Your wallet, you forgot your wallet!” And the thirty-year-old “sonny” heads off on a date. I don’t know about you, but I’m afraid of unmarried men in perfectly pressed shirts.
“Carlsons.” A friend like this, frankly, is unreliable—he creates chaos in the room and surrenders at the sound of strangers’ footsteps. He’ll drag Malysh to roam across rooftops and disappear at the most critical moment. He won’t come to help, won’t keep his promise, won’t stay with his friend to take responsibility for the mess they caused. But grabbing a jar of jam and faking a serious illness? That he’ll always do with pleasure. The main trait of such men is irresponsibility. It’s pointless to build a family with him, or to count on him—he’ll run away anyway. He’s easy and fun to be around when circumstances allow, which is why such men often become the soul of the company and favorites among women.
“Usurpers.” This type of infantile man asserts himself through women. Typically, their partners are unassuming and timid, with minimal demands and little self-confidence. Strong and self-sufficient women are simply not to their taste.
“Eternal students.” These men remain students at heart forever. Career means nothing to them. Their lifestyle resembles a dormitory: renting an apartment with a buddy or living with their parents. Freedom and minimal effort—that’s their motto.
Among such men, there are many failures. They cannot succeed in a world that requires independent decision-making, so they almost always lose. Here are seven characteristic signs of a loser.
- He constantly feels self-pity. For his failures and inactivity, he always has plenty of excuses.
- He never misses a chance to say “that’s not a man’s job” if you ask him to wash the dishes or at least pick up dirty clothes and load them into the washing machine.
- Not a step without Mom! And “Mom” can very well be his wife. Such men cannot exist without care and supervision. That’s why he constantly hesitates, and making a decision is real torture for him. Why? Because it means taking responsibility.
- He doesn’t know how to handle money. His balance is always in the red because he spends more than he can afford. Budgeting is not his thing. He needs everything—and right now.
- “Life is a game”—he fully agrees. But such a man is unlikely to go to the opera or theater. Instead, nothing can pull him away from computer games. And his reality is at least virtual.
- He is extremely reluctant to throw away old things and part with clutter.
- He takes his own ailments very seriously—even the mildest ones. Yet he prefers to do nothing and complain instead of seeking treatment.
Who needs them
Mothers. As psychoanalysis assures us, character is formed in early childhood under the guidance of the mother and refined under the attentive supervision of the same female side of the family. From childhood, mothers make all decisions for their sons and solve all their problems. They come to school to confront the teacher who gave their little genius a failing grade. They come to the draft board to deal with the scoundrels who decided to draft their son into the army in such weather. Teaching their child independence feels to such mothers like losing him.
Wives with a “Mommy complex.” Some women feel deep inner comfort being a “Mommy” to their husband. The pattern is the same—hyper-care, desire to dominate. But here another factor comes into play: a man who is particularly successful with the opposite sex is a real treasure. And therefore, he must be loved, valued, and protected. Fearing to lose their husband, women forget about everything in the world—including themselves.
So their husbands are well-fed and smooth, while they themselves compete with barge haulers in endurance. They carry the household, children, and work on their shoulders. A common couple: a worn-out wife and a radiant husband who is clearly being pampered and cherished non-stop. And the man, mind you, is not bad—he’s just completely spoiled by feminine care. Otherwise, he’d be taken away. Competition exists, after all.
Don’t confuse them with infantiles!
There’s one more important point. Women often accuse men of infantilism who don’t deserve the label at all.
First, these are shy, silent introverts—those who would like to speak up, but are interrupted and not listened to. Second, men with that innate inner refinement which prevents them from speaking loudly or elbowing their way through competitors.
Third, women often label any free expression of emotion as infantile, and any “alive” man who hasn’t forgotten how to laugh, make faces, and act silly as an infantile. Responsible and morally mature men who managed to preserve childlike sharpness of perception sometimes also want to be funny and playful, to joke and marvel.
After all, seriousness is not at all a sign of a mature personality. As Baron Munchausen said: “A serious face is no sign of intelligence, gentlemen. All the foolishness on Earth is done with exactly that expression.”
Old Munchausen wasn’t infantile. He simply loved to dream and fantasize—such a habit also exists among real men.
