When a woman hurls plates against the wall, it’s normal. Or at least almost normal. Women are generally emotionally unbalanced anyway. Besides, psychologists even advise women in stressful situations to smash a couple of plates. They say it helps. I even have a funny story connected with plates. I have a friend. A sweet woman: kind, quiet, calm, and accommodating. The kind who values home comfort and her husband’s well-being above all else.
“The main thing is that you feel good!” — That’s her motto. And then the one for whom all this was done became a bit cheeky. And that’s putting it mildly. He started coming home well past midnight, forgot about family dates, and constantly expressed his “ugh!” toward his wife. So she once complained, sitting in a café, sipping coffee with tears. The ladies-friends were outraged by such behavior and advised her to throw one full-blown tantrum at her husband in her lifetime.
She opened her eyes wide: “But how do I do that?” They explained—well, when he comes home, you smash plates against the wall and scream that it’s over, you won’t tolerate this anymore. Said and done. She took out some old porcelain from the cupboard and sat waiting. She waited and waited, then fell asleep. Her light of life appeared around three in the morning. She silently got up, walked into the hallway, slammed the dishes onto the floor with all her might, turned around quietly, and went back to bed. That was her tantrum. So, what’s my point? When a woman throws a fit, it’s understandable. And we know what to do about it—few drops of valerian, kisses, and a warm blanket will solve the problem. But what do you do when the hysterical one is the man?
The hysterical man is not as rare a phenomenon as it might seem at first glance. Lately, their numbers have been growing at a geometric rate and pose a serious threat to society. Society itself. Because, as we were taught in childhood, society consists of families. And if the cells of society are happy, then society itself is healthy: moving forward cheerfully toward prosperity and flourishing. But what kind of healthy, happy family can there be if the husband is hysterical?
It all begins charmingly. You’re walking down the street (or riding the subway, or sitting in a café, or dancing at a club—very individual) and then He appears… The prince on a white horse. With a tragic gaze and interesting pallor. Handsome like Apollo. Wise like Socrates. And a magical lover. He’s incredibly emotional. He’s always ready to confirm that the entire world is populated by mediocrities and fools. And only he, and you, for now, can resist the onslaught of rudeness, coarseness, and mediocrity. Oh, how pleasant it is to hear. And how pleasant to realize that finally, you’ve drawn the lucky card—becoming the wife of a genius! Stop! And once again—stop!
Being the wife of a genius means:
a) hard work—you must completely dissolve into your husband and forget about your own dreams.
b) thankless labor. Especially if your husband isn’t a genius, but just an ordinary whiner.
To understand who your husband really is, it’s quite simple—he never does anything, he only expresses dissatisfaction. At first, with the state of the world. But gradually, he shifts from global topics to more compact ones. That is, to you. And then brace yourself.
Usually, the hysterical man is dissatisfied with everything. The borscht—you put too much beet or, on the contrary, didn’t add enough. The apartment cleaning—you don’t see it? Dust everywhere! The children—where did these dunces come from? His colleagues—they don’t see that you can’t work like that? His salary—at this job, they don’t appreciate talented specialists at all! And so on endlessly… At first, it’s just grumbling, then it turns into nagging, and eventually becomes daily scandals.
Hysterical men can be divided into four categories.
1. The quiet hysterics. He’s more like a mosquito. Buzzing and buzzing without end. Actually, you could put up with it, but it’s maddening. You just want to grab a fly swatter and hit him as hard as you can.
2. The episodic hysterics. Most of the time, they behave quite decently. But only as long as everything goes exactly as they want. The moment things shift slightly—off they go. “Where the hell are you driving? Who turns like that? Where are your eyes???” and so on… If these outbursts come unexpectedly, you might even get a heart attack from the shock.
3. The sexual hysterics. This is a separate category. They lose it over sex. Especially if they’re not getting enough. And they never get enough. Then they start hammering their wives with complexes: “What did you put on? That looks like a saddle on a cow! How do I even put up with you? Only a fool like me would’ve rushed into this!”… The wife involuntarily starts thinking that apart from him, she’s needed by no one. And he’s happy to keep trying—because he perfectly understands that few people could tolerate him. Only this fool…
4. The bloodsucking hysterics. Ugh… the most terrible variant. Real vampires. They suck the life not only out of their wives but won’t spare their own children either. An outburst from them can be triggered by anything. For example, the child placed the thermometer under the right armpit instead of the left. The bloodsucker will start screaming so loudly that the house walls shake. And everyone will get it. Be sure, no one will escape punishment. The wife will be blamed for not raising an obedient son, the son for disobeying his father, the daughter for not behaving the way she should.
What to do with a hysterical husband? Nothing. This is exactly the case where no methods will help because they reject them once and for all. They won’t seek help from a psychologist, since they believe everything is fine with them. They won’t take calming medication, again for the same reason. They won’t doubt themselves for even a second and will walk through life with their heads held high, while the wife, on the contrary, will be like a beaten dog. And after all this, you might want to ask—do you really need this? To live for the sake of a hysterical husband? No?
Then act. Instructions are provided:
1. Approach the mirror and take care of yourself.
2. Take a deep breath in and out.
3. Go to the closet and take out all your husband’s clothes.
4. Pack them into a suitcase.
5. Call a locksmith and change the lock on the door.
6. Put the suitcase in the entryway, gather the children, close the door, and go stay with your mom or a friend for a couple of days.
7. Leave a note in the door—on any topic, but clearly stating that it’s time for him to leave.
8. Turn off your phone.
9. Return home and file for divorce.
If you’ve done everything correctly, we’re happy to congratulate you—you’re now a free and beautiful woman who can breathe freely! Without the one whose name is “hysterical husband.”
