What is the secret of strong relationships? What makes a woman truly wise? What allows a marriage to endure despite life’s storms? These are the reflections of Svitlana.
… Once, after twelve years of living together, my husband said to me: “When I was young and dreamed about what my family would be like, I couldn’t even imagine it would be this wonderful.”
Over the years, we both came to the conclusion that building a relationship with a loved one is constant, meticulous work. It requires patience, tact, and understanding.
I don’t have formal psychological education, so everything discussed below belongs to practical psychology based on personal experience. All advice is purely recommendatory. Whether it suits you or not—decide for yourself.
Ninety percent of the men I’ve spoken to have expressed this idea in one form or another. The remaining ten believe that a woman should belong to them completely and entirely—that is, to put it bluntly, become their private property and depend entirely on their desires and needs. If you fall into this ten percent, I can only sympathize: I personally experienced a previous four-year marriage under such conditions. But with the remaining ninety percent, a very serious conversation is possible.
Let’s start with the fact that a stamp in the passport doesn’t mean anything. If he wants to leave, no official seal will stop him. And if it’s “marriage” we need, then it’s the interested party who should build the relationship.
Before I moved in with my current husband, we had a conversation something like this. I had come to visit him for three days with my young child (while he was living at the time with his nine-year-old daughter), stayed for a week, then started packing to go home. We sat down to have tea before parting.
– You know, the longer I stay with you, the less I want to leave, – I told him.
– Well then, don’t go, – he replied quite phlegmatically.
– What do you mean, “don’t go”? – I was surprised. – It didn’t sound like an actual invitation to stay.
– You don’t bother me, – he calmly stated.
Hurt and indignation boiled inside me for a few minutes, and then I suddenly thought: how wonderful it is that two adults (I was 28, he was 32), each with their own habits, quirks, and views on life, and both with children, came together and don’t interfere with each other!
We only registered our marriage four years later. Grandmothers from both sides insisted the child needed to be adopted, and without a marriage stamp in the passport, this was impossible. Before the wedding, I was very nervous—it seemed like once the stamp appeared, everything would change. Nothing changed, and we never even adopted the child. And everyone, including the children, is happy.
We were extremely careful in building our relationship during the first years. We could talk through entire nights, allowed each other to dig deep within ourselves, and pulled subconscious “cockroaches” into the light. We probably didn’t get them all, but we helped each other overcome most of our complexes. Professional psychologist friends sometimes even expressed surprise: “Guys, how do you feel after such psychoanalysis? Doesn’t your head hurt, for example?” It didn’t. Because we did it consciously, fighting our own flaws, not each other’s. Each of us wanted to change so life would be easier for the person we loved.
The biggest mistake women make is believing: things are bad between us now, but after the wedding everything will change—I’ll reshape him. It’s unclear what this belief is based on. Don’t lie to yourself. In practice, differences and problems only intensify once married life begins. Such marriages are at risk of falling apart, and in most cases, that’s exactly how they end.
Therefore, the most important advice: don’t rush into marriage. Or learn to accept a person as they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses. One of the two.
And in this world, the only person you can truly change and reshape is yourself. Here are a few tips on how to do that. I won’t say “do this and everything will be fine.” We’re all different, and there are no universal recommendations on this topic. So let’s approach it from the opposite angle:
What not to do in order not to ruin your relationship with your beloved man
Rule 1. Don’t forget that you’re not alone anymore. The strongest bond between people is destroyed by indifference—when someone comes home and no one greets them, no one is happy to see them. Maybe that’s why men often get dogs: there’s sincerity from ears to tail tip! Or mistresses…
Rule 2. Don’t expect him to guess. Most problems begin when our fantasies and expectations sharply diverge from reality.
Let me explain: you hoped that when your husband returned from work, he would buy you flowers along the way, but he didn’t. What happens next? Here’s a typical scenario used by many women.
You sulk and spend the whole evening sniffing resentfully. For a while, he tries every way to find out what’s wrong. At this point, you’ve decided he should figure out his fault on his own, so you won’t say a word. He doesn’t guess. You argue. The evening is ruined.
Do such situations happen? All the time! Once, a friend of mine even left her husband because he didn’t do something, and then didn’t guess why she was upset. After an hour-long conversation, I gradually led her to think: why did you assume he would do exactly that? “But he was at fault…” Her logic only returned after I said: no one owes anything to anyone. She thought for about ten minutes, then called her husband and, under the pretext of returning apartment keys, went to reconcile. They’re still together and happy.
Rule 3. Don’t discuss serious matters with your man when he’s hungry. Remember fairy tales: feed me first, give me drink, steam me in the bath. Even Baba Yaga eventually finds common ground with the most aggressive Ivan Tsarevich.
Rule 4. Don’t try to decide for him what’s best. He’s an adult and somehow managed to live without you all these years. Therefore, he has the right to independently decide what to wear, where to go, who to befriend, how to relate to his parents, etc. By imposing your decisions on someone, you restrict their freedom. And men really, really dislike that! So, before making a decision, ask yourself: is this even your problem?
Rule 5. Don’t pressure! There’s a category of women who, when they want something, demand it was done yesterday, or at the very least, right now. Meanwhile, such a woman couldn’t care less whether the person is tired or has other plans. She wants it! Drop everything and do it! He might endure it for a while, but eventually he’ll definitely explode, and you’ll get a serious scandal. You can wear down any person, no matter how patient they are.
Rule 6. Don’t be a bore. It’s May Day parade outside, everyone’s cheerful and happy, and she’s nagging: “Throw out the Christmas tree… Throw out the Christmas tree…”—an old cliché. By the way, our Christmas tree stood until October last year. All our friends came in before the New Year with the same phrase: “Oh, you’ve got a new Christmas tree!” A faucet might take a week to fix. A toilet tank—possibly a couple of months. After all these years, I’ve gotten so used to it that it doesn’t even irritate me anymore. After all, he’ll do it eventually—why should I stress? It’s better to take things simply. And with humor.
Rule 7. If you don’t like it—do it yourself. When your husband starts hammering a nail, go to another room and don’t interfere with helpful advice and recommendations. If he starts washing dishes—sit quietly, or he might remember it’s not “men’s work.” Reprocess it later if you must, in case you’re not satisfied.
– How can you sit at the computer with such a dirty window right in front of you? Get up and wash it! – my friend once told her husband.
To which, of course, she received the following reply:
– Well, I don’t really care. And if it bothers you, go wash it yourself.
Rule 8. Don’t manipulate. I remember during our first serious argument, in a moment of hurt, I said: “Fine then! I’m going to my mom’s!” and started packing. I’d almost finished packing, but he still wasn’t coming to make peace. I paused and thought: what exactly am I saying? If I leave, I’ll really have to go to my mom’s. So I went to him, and we poured ourselves a cup of tea, as usual. He was sitting there gloomy and sad. Then the conversation went like this:
– You don’t really want me to leave, do you?
– No, I don’t.
– I’ll feel terrible without you.
– I will too.
– Then why aren’t you stopping me?
– But it’s your decision. You have the right to do it.
I apologized, unpacked my suitcase, and I’ve never done anything like that again.
Rule 9. During arguments, avoid personal insults. You’ll have to reconcile eventually, but the hurt will settle deep inside and will definitely surface during the next fight. The more such resentments accumulate, the harder it becomes to reconcile each time.
Rule 10. Don’t deny your husband sex. After all, he married you also for that reason. If you have health issues, you need to talk to your husband about it and see a doctor. If you simply don’t enjoy sex, read up on the subject—there’s plenty of literature available today. If that doesn’t help, again—see a doctor. His name is a sexologist, and in this field, if not an expert on everything, then certainly on very many things.
And above all, don’t use sex as a lever for psychological pressure or to force concessions. Such manipulations never end well. There’s no need to test those well-trodden rakes yourself.
Rule 11. Don’t belittle yourself or your beloved husband with suspicion. I know many jealous women who poison their partner’s life. Such people can secretly check pockets, read text messages, or even hack into email accounts. And even if they find no evidence, a worm of doubt remains in their soul: maybe he’s just hidden it so well that I couldn’t find it. This usually happens after a cooling in the relationship, which arises due to failure to follow rules 1–10.
Rule 12. Any problem can be resolved through communication. This rule works in 99% of cases. If it doesn’t work, one of two exceptions applies.
Exception 1. If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude toward it. I remember in the first year of living together, I was extremely annoyed by dirty socks scattered around the room. Why is it so hard to put them in the laundry basket or at least gather them into a bag? I explained, asked, scolded, and mocked—nothing changed.
One day I suddenly thought: “Let this be his biggest flaw, since he doesn’t have many. Otherwise, a halo might appear around his head, and wings might start growing.” And everything instantly fell into place: the problem disappeared! No, the socks still lie around everywhere, but it simply stopped bothering me.
Do you think he’s actually a saint? No. It’s just that at that time, this flaw bothered me the most, so I didn’t notice the rest. After that, other things surfaced: he doesn’t wash his dishes, doesn’t put food away in the fridge, postpones repairs indefinitely, as mentioned earlier, and many, many other things. But strangely, after making this decision, the rest stopped bothering me too.
Exception 2. If you can’t change your attitude toward the situation, don’t fear divorce. Sometimes it’s the best way out. Why ruin each other’s lives, wear down your nerves, or put on a brave face while pretending everything’s fine? If the relationship is broken, no one will feel worse than they already do after a breakup. As one of my friends says: “Either live and stop complaining, or don’t live and stop complaining.” Perhaps each of you will still meet your true love.
The hardest part at this moment is letting go of unfounded expectations and making a decision.
– Hope must be killed first, – my best friend told me when I was avoiding my previous husband.
– But things were good just a year ago! – I sobbed, trying to convince her.
– Has anything improved in that time?
– No, – I admitted bitterly.
– So why are you so sure something will change?
– I just really want to believe…
– That’s exactly what I’m telling you: hope must be killed first! – my friend concluded logically.
This conversation happened several times, almost word for word. It’s hard to break stereotypes, but it helped: I left a husband who had become a stranger and moved in with the man I love, and now I’ve been happy for twelve years. Otherwise, I might still be hoping for a phantom “someday,” trying to preserve a broken family for the sake of the child, and suffering.
Maybe I’ve missed something. You can find out by talking to your beloved husband. But one thing I can say with certainty: before this article was published here, it was tested on a number of men, and they all said in unison: “It’s all correct!” Probably, it’s worth considering the opinions of our “better halves” and make them happy. And at the same time, ourselves…
