Photo: DepositPhotos.com
Sometimes a guy’s actions and words are so upsetting that you want to end the relationship completely. Let’s figure out when you can forgive him, and when it’s better to say goodbye!
Even if you and your boyfriend love each other, this doesn’t mean you share the same views on every issue. Sometimes he might hurt you without even realizing it, simply because such behavior is normal in his family or friend group. So what now—should you forgive his antics, or break up immediately without further explanation? First, ask yourself how important this issue really is to you personally. For example, if your boyfriend shows clear disrespect or pressures you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with, that’s a genuine reason to question whether he truly values your relationship. The same words or actions can be perceived very differently by girls and guys. Girls are usually highly attentive to details, while guys might easily ignore them—not because they treat their partners poorly, but simply because that’s their nature, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If something in the relationship bothers you, try talking to your boyfriend. Use the communication technique psychologists call “I-statements.” Instead of saying “You don’t understand anything” or “You’re a jerk!”, say “I feel that…” or “I’m hurt because…”. When you express your feelings and emotions, your boyfriend will be more likely to meet you halfway. But if you attack him directly, his defense mechanisms will kick in, and constructive dialogue will become impossible!
He doesn’t hurry to walk you home
You’ve hinted a hundred and one times that it would be nice if he walked you home. And, as always, he suddenly remembers he has to rush home urgently. Fuming with righteous anger, you call your friend: “Can you believe what a jerk he is?! Tomorrow I’ll tell him exactly what I think and break up!” Your friend stays silent for a moment, then surprises you by saying: “Well, I don’t know… Do you remember he still needs to pick up his younger brother from daycare? And besides, it’s not that late—it’s still light outside. You can just take a minibus and be at your apartment door in fifteen minutes.” Actually, she’s right. Indeed, the same actions can be interpreted differently depending on the circumstances. Insisting on being walked to your door makes sense only if you’ve stayed out late with friends or are returning after an evening movie. Explain to your boyfriend that you’re afraid to walk alone on the streets late at night because it’s dangerous. If he genuinely cares about you, he’ll likely agree with your reasoning. But if he doesn’t… Well, that’s a signal it might be time to consider finding another protector.
You caught him lying
You’ve caught him in small lies several times: he claimed he was studying for an important test, but was actually hanging out with friends; he insisted he has no relationship with Tanya, yet the other day they were seen together at an entertainment center. How can you explain his behavior? Maybe you’re provoking him by being too harsh about his friends or throwing jealousy scenes, even though you know perfectly well he has no relationship with that Tanya. Or perhaps he’s a pathological liar, desperately lying whether it’s necessary or not. In that case, trying to break him of this harmful habit will cost you dearly. Think carefully and honestly answer one question: would you really want to be with someone whose words you can’t trust?
He doesn’t want to pay for you at cafes
No matter where you go—cafe, cinema, or skating rink—your boyfriend is slow to pull out his wallet to pay for your treats or entertainment. And you start quietly boiling inside: what a miser! Don’t rush to accuse him of stinginess—he might come from a low-income family and simply can’t afford to meet your financial expectations. Besides, if neither of you works and you both rely on money from parents, what right do you have to make demands? Better to move your dates to a park or just take an evening walk around the city—cheap and romantic! But if he’s the one initiating cafe outings, calmly tell him you don’t have money for such expenses. Watch his reaction. If he easily agrees to a budget-friendly alternative, great. But if he gets puffed up and seriously offended, it’s time to reflect on his true attitude toward you.
He jokes about you in front of others
Do you constantly feel he’s making fun of you in front of friends, mocking your appearance, intelligence, or way of speaking? By the way, why do his sharp remarks bother you? Maybe you feel insecure? Also, observe how his friends react to his comments—it’s quite possible only you find them offensive. However, if your boyfriend openly insults or humiliates you in front of others, that’s a serious problem. Talk to him, explain how hurtful his criticism feels. If he listens to you, your relationship still has a chance. But if he continues treating you rudely, think: are you really compatible?
He flirts with your friend
Seeing him shower compliments on your best friend, you bite your lips in fury and prepare to give your boyfriend an earful. Hold on—pause for a moment, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Calmed down? Now observe him and try to determine: is this innocent friendliness, or has he set his sights on her? And how does your friend react—does she encourage him, or feel uncomfortable under his intense gaze? Don’t throw a fit or scold your boyfriend for no good reason. That will only anger him. But it’s worth showing him that this behavior bothers you. Does he enjoy seeing you jealous? Well, maybe that’s exactly what he’s been hoping for. You can tell him, of course, that your relationship is very valuable to you, but you won’t force him to stay.
He invades your personal space
You’ve started noticing that during every meeting, your boyfriend, under some pretext, takes your mobile phone and begins checking your contact list or browsing through your SMS messages. If he suddenly finds an unfamiliar number, he launches an intense interrogation: who is this, when did you meet, under what circumstances? You start justifying yourself and proving to your boyfriend that you have no relationships with anyone except him. But it’s pointless. Tell him you have the right to communicate with other guys and girls, and that this communication doesn’t mean betrayal. The same applies to reading your personal diaries, your instant messenger chats, or emails.
You, like any person, have a personal space you have the right to keep private—even from those close to you. Teach your boyfriend to respect it. At the same time, don’t get angry yourself if you see an unfamiliar girl’s name in his contact list. Any relationship is primarily based on trust, and if he hasn’t given you reason to doubt his loyalty, calmly accept his interactions with other girls. We also advise you not to interfere with his meetings with friends: sometimes guys (just like girls!) want to socialize in an exclusively male environment.
He suddenly cancels your plans
You’re boiling with outrage. No wonder! He warned you that your meetings for the coming week are canceled—he needs to prepare for an exam. Of course, it’s disappointing when plans fall through. But sometimes circumstances are beyond our control. Most likely, you’re not really angry at your boyfriend, but at the situation itself. Instead of creating a scene, use your free time for yourself: do some beauty treatments, read a good book, or chat at length with your friend. Your boyfriend will appreciate your understanding!
Strife cannot be forgiven…
The meaning of this entire phrase depends on where you place the comma. You could sulk for weeks, deliberately ignore him, refuse to answer his calls and texts, hoping he’ll understand and figure out what upset you. But let’s be honest—talking to him directly about what’s bothering you is much smarter. Only after that should you start placing punctuation marks!
Some issues shouldn’t be discussed with your boyfriend at all. Which ones? Your family or his!
Let’s face it: you don’t always like your parents’ behavior. But when telling your boyfriend about family problems, avoid harsh and offensive remarks about your relatives. First, he might draw wrong conclusions about them based on your heated words; second, he might feel entitled to make tactless comments about them too. Stick to facts only, and avoid sweeping judgments like “She doesn’t love me” or “My sister is a traitor!” If your boyfriend criticizes his own parents, try to help him work through the conflict. But never make insulting remarks about them yourself!
