“Oh, that saw! She’s sawing all day long!” – but what man wouldn’t agree with such a description of his wife? It’s unfortunate – we are so diverse and can embody any tool at all. The main thing is that the man knows how to use it. For his own good, and – necessarily – for hers too.
Let’s do a lineup. What tools can we be?
Let’s start with the most popular one – the SAW. But which kind?
Hacksaw. This is a tool for individual use, and as long as it’s sawing through just one person, you can be confident in its absolute loyalty. Well, what did you expect, men – everything comes at a price. But since you’re the only master, controlling a hacksaw is quite easy – you just need to stop moving it. Put it in a cozy place and calm it down – hug it, kiss it, promise to fulfill all its demands. For a while, promises will be enough.
Two-man saw – a more serious tool. If your inactivity isn’t sufficient and the saw keeps grinding on your nerves, it means someone on the opposite end is moving it. Interesting question – who? Mother-in-law, sworn girlfriend, or… a lover? And until your so-called partner is neutralized, you won’t see any peace.
“Druzhba” chainsaw – the most complicated version. It starts up with half a turn from just one of your moves and will only calm down when the fuel runs out. Hysteria throws it from place to place, so your task is to reach the magical “Off” button – extremely difficult. You could, of course, cut off the fuel supply, but a chainsaw – this diagnosis is similar to alcoholism – the fuel will find its way. You can treat it (with a psychiatrist), get it “coded” (by folk healers), but it’s more likely to cut you in half before you manage to fix it.
Hammer – a healthy and straightforward tool. It will firmly and without unnecessary emotion hit your finger exactly when you truly deserve it. Though it hurts, it’s better to have one sharp strike than endless sawing. Especially since the hammer will immediately assess the damage, offer help, and then honestly remain a friend – until your next blunder. And later, when the pain in your finger fades, you’ll even feel grateful for that timely, magical kick.
But if your hammer has been gentle and cautious for a long time, overlooking obvious mistakes, beware – it has probably transformed into a Sledgehammer. A strong and silent tool, it won’t take care of you or nudge you gently – it’s simply waiting for its moment. And when that moment comes, it will shock you with a sudden (in your eyes) decision – to divorce, to leave, to never see you again. After all, until now you were sure you had a perfect marriage. Now you’re facing a legally savvy division of assets, where you’ll generously be handed a pair of underwear and worn-out jeans, while being deprived of your T-shirts since she sleeps more comfortably. And if the Sledgehammer is simple, not so modernized, you might get a couple of blows from grandma’s iron delivered in a state of emotional frenzy, followed by a morning proposal to start everything anew. So the advice is – don’t take risks, start improving yourself before the first (and most likely, the last) swing of the Sledgehammer.
An even more advanced modification of the Hammer is the Jack. This is the very tool Nekrasov praised alongside burning houses and insane horses. Calm, reliable, faithful – she is every groom’s dream. With her, everything will be top-notch – a home full of abundance, intelligent children, a husband as head of the family, and even her own career. And all of it is held together by the modest, unremarkable Jack. But remember, there’s a limit to load capacity, and even a Jack tested over years may suddenly break one fine day, causing your entire cozy life to collapse. And it will collapse right on top of you. So use it moderately, without exceeding the instruction manual’s limits, and periodically send it for maintenance checks and quality rest.
The complete opposite is the Drill! Compared to her, a saw is a sweet girl. The Drill finds the most sensitive spot in your brain and starts drilling through your skull right at that point. At first, it makes seemingly harmless demands, like buying a fur coat. And it will drill with sadistic monotony until you agree. But the rest won’t last long. The next reason to drill will be found quickly, and each time it will be worse. But it will never back down voluntarily, so the only way out is to ignore the blackmail and never agree, not even to small things, especially not to a fur coat. If you want to live with a Drill – either you’re a masochist, or you’ll have to buy a titanium helmet – maybe the drill bit will break.
But this trick won’t work with a Power Drill. She is cunning and treacherous. Pretending to be a massage chair, she patiently waits for the man to relax, open up completely, and expose his raw nerves. And then she strikes. After half an hour of foreplay, three minutes before climax, when the man already believes that happiness is finally here, she asks: “So, are you buying me that fur coat or what are we doing?” A normal man won’t buy it, and if he does, it won’t be for her, but for a Hammer, for example.
Wives whom men quietly hate are Soldering Irons. Methodically, she extracts everything from you – where you were, with whom, when you came back, why you looked at that girl, what tone you used in your reply… If there are no suspicions today, there still won’t be any, and you won’t be able to eat or sleep until, gazing passionately into her eyes, you answer – do you love her, how much, is she good in bed and does she please. Answers must be sincerely correct and detailed. Though it won’t help you – the Soldering Iron will always find something else to test. So the only peaceful solution is headphones with your favorite music, topped with a hat for camouflage. With time and experience, you’ll learn to nod at the right moment and say “Of course, darling!” with the appropriate intonation.
A woman no man can ever forget is the Corkscrew. She’s a woman of celebration, a woman of fireworks! When you’re together, you’re guaranteed envious glances from all men. With her, it’s dazzling, fun – you can rightfully be proud of such a woman and simultaneously admire yourself as the owner of such a treasure. But none of the envious ones know how difficult it is to live with this treasure on ordinary days. The fairy-tale woman isn’t suited for daily routine, because what do you do with her from Monday to Friday – no one can figure it out. Unless you learn to peel potatoes yourself. But you can’t tell anyone about that.
Friends who’ve been through all sorts of battles, enriched by shared life experiences with a Drill or a Soldering Iron, who now carefully avoid the Corkscrew, often offer to introduce you to a Jack or at least a Hammer. But if only the Power Drill excites you, don’t let your friends ruin your masochistic happiness.
