Fun Horoscope

Aries
A ram is a ram through and through. Always right. It’s easier to kill him outright than to start arguing, because the only way to out-argue an Aries is if he’s a blind, deaf, mute, armless, legless invalid (and even then, there’s a huge chance he’ll still show you his middle finger). On the other hand, Aries people are honest. Sometimes so brutally honest it makes your teeth clench: they’ll tell you straight up if your haircut looks awful or your dress is unflattering. There’s nothing you can do about it—you’ll just have to accept it (or kill him, as previously mentioned). At home, Aries is generally useless—he only knows how to generate brilliant ideas, while he tries not to sully the soles of his feet with the dust of mundane existence. However, if you let an Aries know that Sagittarius cleans floors better than he does, he’ll throw himself on the ground and still polish your parquet every Saturday, because there’s nothing in the world an Aries would ever concede to a Sagittarius. With Aries, you’ll never be bored—this sign has a karmic talent for finding trouble on their beautiful head. They easily and quickly earn money, but being proud and principled, they hate cash and try to get rid of it instantly. Still, they always have hidden stashes, which are actually far more respectable than what Virgo usually possesses. Due to their utter carelessness, they often forget about these stashes, which works perfectly in favor of Aries’s close friend, especially if that friend is a Gemini.
Taurus
Taurus is one of the crowns of nature, and I have nothing more to say about this sign. Even more stubborn than Aries, but lacks Aries’s charming, careless sloppiness. A hoarder capable of lovingly preserving useless junk at home for centuries, Taurus is genuinely surprised when all those broken transistor radios, ball bearings, rags, scrap paper, and other nonsense are being thrown out. Consistent in their preferences, including in matters of the opposite sex, which is why they often suffer in love, unfortunately. Prone to nervous breakdowns, jealous like Othello, not innovative at all, so at first glance may seem like a gloomy oddball. A secret deviant. Distrustful of new people, but for old friends, they’ll tear off the last gingham shirt from their chest. But why would friends need a torn shirt—this thought never occurs to them. An altruist, though they constantly get slapped in the face for it.
Gemini
Gemini is really cool if there’s just one, and utterly disastrous if there are at least two. They can chatter non-stop for three days straight without repeating themselves, which is generally amusing but sometimes exhausting. Everyone usually envies Gemini because they’re a jack-of-all-trades—simply put, a plug in every barrel. But no one realizes how hard it actually is for Gemini to survive and make choices in this vast world of possibilities—they always feel life is passing them by, even when they’re neck-deep in events. They love to eat and absorb new information—ideally, simultaneously. For this, they gain a reputation as a strange character, though in reality, they’re just saving time. Phenomenally lazy, ninety percent of their frantic activity unfolds solely to make others finally leave them alone and let them be. They give the impression of being just an average Joe, though in fact they’re not stupid—they might read Kant or Kierkegaard between bouts of laziness (though reading is usually accompanied by idiotic laughter and exclamations like “hehehe,” which looks quite endearing, because only a Gemini could truly appreciate Kierkegaard’s humor). Sentimental, they believe in romance, though they constantly deny it and demonstratively sneer at those who talk about it. In love, they’re usually unhappy (you really want to say—precisely because they believe in romance), because only an Aries can endure the idiotic festivities and cheerful foolishness constantly orchestrated by Gemini.
Cancer
I’m afraid I might sound biased, but there’s no sign worse than Cancer, at least for me. Cancer is a distrustful monster, constantly annoying everyone with questions. Prone to constantly imagining the end of the world, getting scared by their own imagination, falling into hysterics, and running to Virgo for comfort. As squeamish as a wretch, they’d definitely starve to death on a deserted island because they’re physically incapable of eating anything not wrapped in plastic, or something lying, say, under a palm tree.
They live somehow without a spark. However, if they want to, they can create a real fire, but then they’ll devour themselves for having tried so hard for nothing. Cancer women are exactly those who watch porn hoping that in the end, everyone will inevitably get married. They love to ponder long and gloomily about their own ailments and other life misfortunes, thereby scaring everyone away except Taurus—they’re even more boring when it comes to their own bodies. Loyal, because they fear chlamydia and trichomoniasis. Prone to drinking and philosophy, and both usually lead to nothing good for Cancers.
Leo
Leo divides people into two types—those allowed into their inner circle, and servants, whose claws and teeth are sharpened. Of course, they’re egoistic, but you forgive Leo for their egoism because of their sacred and unwavering, pardon me, unwavering faith in their own charisma. Fond of flattery, with its help you can extract anything you want from a Leo. Generous and not afraid to laugh at themselves. Everyone else, however, should refrain from mocking Leo, unless they wish to spend the rest of their miserable existence in intensive care. Rude, but elegant. Capable of trampling anyone into the ground, which they sometimes do out of pure curiosity and an irresistible childish desire to “see what happens.” A king in everything. They make it unmistakably clear to their partner how incredibly fortunate they are to have Leo in their life and demand appropriate treatment. They wouldn’t mind being called simply “The Almighty” at home. Loyal, a true friend, loves giving expensive and valuable gifts so everyone can once again marvel at their generosity. Loves to eat, sleep, and talk, which is why they often befriend Gemini. Unbearable in large quantities, especially if you’re a Virgo, Cancer, or Pisces.
Virgo
What can be said about a sign when science has already said it all? Virgo is the cruelest and most inhuman zodiac sign. According to international statistics, the majority of maniacs and psychopaths come precisely from Virgos. This Virgo can smile sweetly at you while mentally picturing your intestines tied to a chandelier. Let me reveal a secret—all little Virgos in childhood plan to become Dark Lords of the Planet, and when they grow up and realize it’s impossible, they simply become heartless monsters poisoning existence with their pedantry and love for law and order (and the roots, of course, stem from childhood desires to eat the universe and bring the universe to order, letter by letter). A Virgo wife is the aunt who makes your bed when you get up at three in the morning to go to the toilet. A Virgo husband is the scariest math teacher you could ever imagine. Control freaks, of course. Everything must be in order. They never explain the reasons for their actions—again, this stems from childhood megalomania. However, they may swing to the opposite extreme—never considering themselves guilty and daily playing the victim and lamb, thereby driving everyone around them crazy. Generally, they love to play on loved ones’ nerves and start suffering publicly, and the snake usually genuinely believes in their own suffering, which makes them actually get sick and waste away. Useful in daily life because they know and can do countless household tricks. Generally, you can live with them, provided you completely detach and remove all weapons from the house.
Libra
Briefly—Libra is an aesthete. Seven Fridays in a week—and still pretends to be Picasso, Gauguin, talking about sacred art, yet won’t think to take out the trash. Not their concern. They spend their entire conscious life searching for an ideal, so they never find time to learn how to clean or sew on buttons. Loves to dress up, but drives everyone around mad while choosing between that one with mother-of-pearl buttons and that one with a silk lining. Generally still a decent fellow. Chases after inner balance, which is fundamentally unattainable for Libra because their earthly nature always outweighs their lofty ideals. Like all indecisive oddballs, they often suffer from nervous disorders like gastritis. Don’t anger them. They tend to offer their shoulder, doing so exclusively out of masochists’ love for humanity, not to gain anything. They usually look gentle and sad, provoking a dangerous desire to cuddle and take under one’s wing—which should never be done, because a Libra’s mind can compost better than all other signs combined. They exist in constant dissonance between reality and desire because they’re a sucker.
Scorpio
A terrorist. When there’s no one else to bother, they start bothering themselves. Constantly overflowing with all kinds of hazy ideas, narcissistic to the point of losing their pulse, ready day and night to stare into the mirror at their reflection and, with touching tenderness, confirm that there’s definitely no better person in the world. A hysteric, and not even ashamed to boast about it. In life, they’re interested only in themselves, or at a stretch—in people who are interested in them. Good-natured, as long as you don’t try to take their money. They love money almost as much as they love themselves and know how to earn it. Extremely secretive—getting information from a Scorpio that they don’t want to reveal is practically as difficult as marrying off a fifty-year-old plain Jane. Two-faced, constantly swinging between lofty ideals and the desire to screw someone over. In determination and ability to bang their head against a wall, they can equal only Aries, often choosing equally senseless goals, but never backing down on principle. Stoically endures all the nonsense that permanently happens to them because they know—they deserve it. Overall, they appear a terrifying, loud, fearsome beast, but at heart a true hamster.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius is yet another zodiac oddball. Sagittarius’s personal opinion must become the ultimate truth for everyone who happens to be nearby. They express it eagerly, frequently, and even when persistently advised not to—and even when threatened with physical violence for it. They sincerely wonder why people get upset with them for this. Generally, Sagittarius is a very happy sign in life, which somewhat compensates for their constant lack of money. Despite their tendency for provocative verbal diarrhea, Sagittarius usually has many friends who feed and warm this poor soul. And all because they skillfully pretend to be helpless, especially when their mouth is full of food. Their main flaw—they can’t shut up while telling everyone the truth about everyone, so they’re capable of saying too much, for which they’re again often beaten. Prone to all forms of drug addiction, as well as religious fanaticism, which is essentially the same thing. Good-hearted, but you won’t realize it right away.
Capricorn
At first glance—a gloomy sign. Capricorn’s motto: no matter how bad I feel today, tomorrow will surely be even worse. They disguise themselves as cheerful to avoid being robbed for their gloomy facial expression, but they’ll rob you anyway. Capricorn achieves happiness in only one way—by working like a cursed man. An idle Capricorn is a dead Capricorn. If deprived of the ability to work, they’ll still invent a bunch of strange tasks for themselves, because without activity, Capricorn cannot reach zen, and a Capricorn who hasn’t reached zen is a Cancer. Do you really want that? They initially seem gentle and even tame, but at the first convenient opportunity, they’ll ram you with their coarse horns, taking special pleasure in doing so if you’re a Gemini or Leo—these signs they can’t stand due to their status-inappropriate playfulness. Cunning. Stingy, but not always. Feels best in the embrace of a money bag. Loves to joke, can’t stop even when the situation heats up, but does it so skillfully they always come out dry. Generally not malicious, though they look like it. In choosing partners, they’re guided mainly by common sense and calculation, so in family life, damn it, they’re happier than anyone.
Aquarius
Distinguishing features—everyone, absolutely every scoundrel, likes them like a notorious red. When it comes to cracking jokes, they’re a worthy rival to Gemini; they’re eager to socialize, even in unfamiliar company, like a sailor returning from a long voyage into a red-light district. They always look slightly off their rocker, and precisely this is what fascinates. A light touch of extravagance gives Aquarians an incomprehensible charm that attracts silly, infatuated fans. Even if everything in Aquarius’s life is going poorly, they still manage to give advice that actually works. Despite their apparent fluffiness and attractiveness, they’re potentially a great criminal. Always a swindler, if only in their dreams. There’s no Aquarius without crime in their dark past; they break laws without a twinge of conscience and even, I won’t fear the word, with pleasure. At the same time, unlike Gemini, they clearly understand when they’re doing something shady, but they ignore it. Outwardly resembling a cross between the Mad Hatter and Marilyn Monroe.
Pisces
Pisces come in two types: hellish sorcerers, dazed by their own lack of principles, and faithful, truly kind angels with unshakable morality. Yet, the vile Pisces are usually forgiven everything in life, while angelic Pisces martyrs irritate ordinary people with their unattainable holiness. They can party terribly, and catching a Pisces in betrayal or forcing them to confess is harder than seeing a live dinosaur. Until the very end, you’ll look into their honest, tear-filled eyes and believe, believe. Heartless representatives of the human race, with no moral principles. Prone to speaking ill behind backs, even when there’s seemingly nothing to say, spreading fog, and generally deceiving people, but you can’t get mad at Pisces for this—hellish pangs of conscience are their usual state, and they sometimes suffer collectively even for things they didn’t do. Tend to idealize people, then get upset with them for turning out to be degenerates. May suddenly start seeking worldwide revenge, abstractly and not childishly. Touching in their illusions, and even when they turn out to be traitors, you still involuntarily forgive them due to their complete inability to live in our material world.