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It seems almost inevitable that many marriages end in divorce, but why do people who go to the registry office with the firm belief that it will last a lifetime end up thinking completely differently after some time and rush to file for divorce? Although according to Leo Tolstoy, all happy families resemble one another, while each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, Professor of Psychology John Gottman, who established a Love Lab and has spent four decades studying marriage issues, identified four key indicators that predict the long-term success of a couple’s future together.
Criticism
Of course, couples sometimes express dissatisfaction or complaints. Deeper than that comes criticism—when the target of attack is not the partner’s specific action, but their entire personality. For example, forgetting to pay utility bills is not seen as a memory lapse, but as proof that the person is a “jerk” (a bad person).
Contempt
The root of all evil. Sarcastic remarks, mockery, insults, and ridicule in front of others. Any form of disrespectful behavior displayed publicly delivers a devastating blow to marital harmony—the foundation of this behavior is disgust toward the partner. When disgust toward one’s spouse is constantly demonstrated, it becomes extremely difficult, or rather practically impossible, to resolve any issue.
Defensiveness
Maintaining a defensive stance is another way of shifting blame onto the partner. In other words, the other person is at fault, not me. This defensive position is flawed, and its consequence is, on the contrary, an escalation of conflict—that’s where the danger lies.
Stonewalling
The conflict is in full swing, but one partner builds an “impenetrable wall” and stops communicating. However, by remaining silent, the partner not only avoids the conflict but also emotionally withdraws from the relationship, thereby killing it.
Through his research, John Gottman concluded that marital breakdowns are not caused by partners’ passions or differences in opinion. In fact, 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. Despite years of relentless mutual struggle and attempts to change each other, these issues persist. Typically, such conflicts arise from incompatibility in values, personality traits, and lifestyle. These arguments uselessly destroy nerve cells and consume a great deal of time. If something cannot be changed, it must be accepted as it is—that’s all.
According to the American researcher, the chances of illness increase by 35% among partners in an unsuccessful marriage. Moreover, this marital distress shortens life by approximately four years.
He studied this matter so thoroughly that just a few minutes of observing a couple’s interaction are enough for him to describe the future of their family.
And one more fact: a happy couple shares pleasant joint memories (in fact, the probability of this is 94%). A warning sign appears when memories are distorted or quickly altered.
