If you suddenly realize that the man you’ve been seeing—whether for a long time or just a few weeks—is married, the first thing you should do—before breaking up, screaming, crying, or smashing delicate objects against the wall or his head (the latter is not recommended)—is sit down and think.
Why does he do this? There can be countless reasons, ranging from being bored with the routine of family life to wanting to try something new in sex.
A man usually starts an affair primarily because he wants to win over another “trophy,” to reassure himself that after two (three, seven, ten, etc.) years of married life, he’s still attractive to women. Not because you are unique, irreplaceable, and it’s such a pity he didn’t meet you so many years ago.
From a psychological standpoint, men who have affairs are mostly problematic individuals. There are exceptions—normal men without psychological issues who take a lover—but they are quite rare. Then there are those types of men who take a mistress and later suggest she join them… as the third person in the marital bed.
Male psychology differs from female psychology in that when problems arise in a relationship, a man doesn’t try to resolve them—he simply moves aside. In such cases, he rarely leaves his family. You become the little treat he enjoys at a café before going home to a full meal. Ask yourself: do you really need this?
Pros of the relationship:
- You’re in love. Isn’t that wonderful?
- No “domesticity.” You don’t have to cook for him every evening, listen to him talk about football teams or laptop repairs you don’t understand, fish smelly socks from under the bed, or wash his clothes.
- When he comes to see you, he tries to present only the best side of himself—after all, you’re uncharted territory, unfamiliar with the sides of him his wife knows. You haven’t shared successes and failures, highs and lows—you’ll only know his best qualities.
- No control from the lover. Since you’ll meet, at best, once a week, no one will ask what you’re doing the other six days.
- He gives you gifts at every meeting. Meeting you is, in a way, a celebration. You’re his kitten, bunny, and little fish. And, of course, it’s a chance for him to have sex freely and repeatedly, fulfilling his sexual fantasies.
- He often provides financial support. Same category. This isn’t real involvement in your life—he’s being unobtrusive. He’s involved in his wife’s life—if needed, he’ll hammer a nail or change a lightbulb. But you can always call Uncle Vasya from the next entrance.
Cons:
- You’re constantly being lied to. If, while spending time with you, he avoids mentioning his wife or talks about her, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. And if he spends a weekend in nature with his wife, you’ll most likely be told he spent the entire weekend digging garden beds under his mother-in-law’s watchful eye.
- You’ll be entirely dependent on his schedule, since he divides his time between work, family, and you—and you’re firmly in third place. When he finally finds time for you, you’ll have to sacrifice your own plans—because the next meeting might not happen anytime soon.
- You’ll have to spend all holidays without him, because he’ll—perhaps out of self-preservation instinct—spend every holiday with his family.
- If he has children and is a decent man, then he most likely won’t leave his family. The stereotype “a child needs a father” is still quite strong.
- If you’re jealous by nature, you’d better not get into this relationship at all. Every time his wife calls and he rushes off to her, or when his stories include “and then me and Anya,” you’ll be left grinding your teeth in anger.
Think carefully. Weigh all the pros and cons of this relationship. If the cons outweigh the pros—walk away. The chances that he’ll leave his wife/family for you are extremely slim, and you’ll waste time that could be spent finding a lover who will be entirely yours, along with a huge amount of nerves—all for the sake of gaining, of course, invaluable experience.
Don’t be afraid to ask the blunt question: “Me or her?” If he leaves, it wasn’t meant to be anyway. And good luck to you.
