All women are the same only to those who are misanthropes by soul and impotent by body. If one evaluates women solely by the difference of their genitalia from men’s, they may seem identical. But even there they differ, let alone in character and sensitivity. With difficulty and very approximately, they can be divided into several types, and these types will be fairy-tale-like, almost unreal.
Malvina
Malvina, a perfectionist by nature, is confident in her infallibility and believes she has the right to teach reason to those who fall within her sphere of influence. And if a man comes under her authority, her inspiration knows no bounds. Even her own boss finds himself receiving not just advice, but valuable instructions from her.
Malvina is meticulous about everything, especially her appearance. Everything she owns is top quality—from her underwear to her accessories. A man might see Malvina without makeup only if he manages to wake up before her. But with whom and when she will sleep, let alone wake up, Malvina decides entirely on her own. Earning Malvina’s approval and even her sparing praise is extremely difficult; a smile from her is practically impossible. Criticism and scrutiny, however, she offers in abundance.
Malvina is responsible and attentive, yet demanding. Her demands, however, are directed more toward others than toward herself. Even in family life, she takes full responsibility for all decisions and directives, starting with how, whom, and when she will marry. And if she doesn’t marry, she will express her refusal in a direct and sharp manner, without resorting to insincere apologies. Therefore, she most often marries Pierrot—a passive, pliable creature who, from the very first day of their acquaintance, submits completely to the dominion of the blue-haired despot. Yet Malvina frequently complains about the heavy burden modern women carry in supporting families. She even openly dreams of a strong man with an unquestionable character, to whom she would gladly submit, handing over all responsibility that weighs her down. But if one examines Malvina’s past, one would likely find a certain Karabas-Barabas, from whom, despite the passion of their relationship, she fled due to incompatibility of characters.
Malvina’s home is a fortress of cleanliness and order. Woe to the Buratino who carelessly places a key in an unauthorized spot—punishment is inevitable. Thus, Malvina often, and not without pleasure, practices sexual games in the style of sadomasochism.
Since Malvina is accustomed to keeping everything under control, an unplanned breakup shocks her to the core. The love she once felt instantly transforms into all-consuming, vengeful hatred.
Cinderella
Cinderella is a quiet, modest girl who tries to remain unnoticed by others, yet strives to help everyone in every way. And without expecting any payment, or even a simple word of thanks. People who discover this trait of her character often exploit her for their own, not always noble, purposes.
An irregular work schedule, a troubled friend, cleaning someone else’s apartment, caring for someone else’s child—these are only a small part of her daily sacrifices. How far can her selflessness go? Most likely, when offered sex, she will refuse—she is unaccustomed to attention toward her own person, and her innate modesty prevents her from believing she is desired for her own sake.
Lack of self-confidence forces her to withdraw and ignore even overt advances. Therefore, among Cinderellas there are many old maids who pour all their unspent love and care into a dog or a cat. Yet their pets live in luxury—in the household, they are the true masters, often sleeping on softer beds and eating sweeter food than the mistress herself.
But if she does come to believe in the prince, she transforms, as if by magic wand, into a beautiful princess. Combined with her gentle nature and eyes that lovingly gaze at the prince, she often wins over his mother. In marriage, she continues playing her familiar role as a caring and dutiful housewife, demanding almost nothing in return. Even during divorce, she suffers quietly and claims nothing for herself—except the child.
Thumbelina
Thumbelina can be of any height and build. Yet possessing an irresistible charm, in the eyes of others she always appears delicate and defenseless. Elegant, with a light step and an equally light character, she attracts people through her sociability and sense of humor.
Consciously or subconsciously, Thumbelina seeks a reliable man’s shoulder—and she always finds one. If not a sponsor, then certainly someone who will take on a significant part of her problems. If a man, for whatever reason, avoids his responsibilities, she immediately finds another—without much fuss. Thus, effortlessly, she moves from the dreadful Frog (a youthful mistake) to the elegant Beetle, who introduces her not to high society, but at least to semi-society. Then she nearly marries the Mole—a wealthy man, but considerably older. Realizing in time that she cannot live by his rules in a naphthalene-scented apartment, with the help of an old intimate friend, she successfully marries a foreigner who not only owns a country house overflowing with flowers but is also handsome. Between relationships, she always has a couple of willing helpers at hand—someone to fix the faucet, charge the car battery, take her to Egypt for sunshine, or buy a fur coat before winter.
Asking help from an acquaintance is perfectly natural for Thumbelina. The image of a weak, defenseless, delicate young lady does all the work for her. In fact, her actual weight and grenadier-like height go completely unnoticed beneath this image. And even if a man is not noble enough to offer help for free and presents a bill instead, Thumbelina instantly invents a thousand and one excuses why she cannot repay the expected favor right here and now. Yet the strength of her promises is so great that the most loyal knights serve her faithfully for years, awaiting the promised happiness.
The most interesting part is that getting into her bed can be quite easy and fast. One simply needs to firmly take her hand and lead her along—whether to a palace or a hut. Thumbelina easily falls under the influence of a strong-willed person, with whom she will even be free of charge. But most men lack confidence and charisma, so they take the first path, attempting to buy her attention.
Venus Milo
Classical beauty, sculpted forms framed by elegant clothing—this is Venus, the goddess of love and the epitome of femininity. Aware of the impression her beauty makes on others, she generously displays it at all times and from every angle. Thus, the path of Venus down an ordinary street is lined with bodies of men of all ages, their spines bent in admiration.
Yet beauty has not made Venus spiteful. She is good-natured, cheerful, and pleasant in conversation. She could be called the ideal woman—if not for one significant flaw: she has no hands. Physically, they are present and as beautiful as the rest of her body. But they are utterly useless—she cannot do anything with them. It’s fortunate if a man can provide a beautiful girl with a comfortable life. Because otherwise, for safety’s sake, he will have to take on cooking, cleaning, and mending socks himself.
And at the same time, learn to manage the household budget. “Household” is a bold term, since Venus also does not know how to earn money. But she knows how to spend it—lavishly and at an astonishing speed. Yet beauty demands sacrifices, especially financial ones, and not small ones at that. Thus, many men drop out of the race, unable to bear the unbearable burden of divine beauty. But it should be noted that even in unpleasant divorce circumstances, Venus behaves like a queen: scandals and dramatic confrontations are not for her. Yet she won’t forget to take revenge—immediately starting a passionate affair with her husband’s former best friend, swiftly turning him into the laughingstock of the malicious public.
Top-tier mastery – Harpy
Among Malvins, Thumbelinas, and Venuses, there are shrews, but life circumstances make them so, and the girls immediately return to their usual roles once circumstances improve. Cinderella, on the other hand, would rather suffer and wallow in suffering, but she will never become a shrew. But Harpies are different. They are shrews by birth, by calling, and even by the level of pleasure they derive from the very process of being shrewish.
Often, Harpy sees her social role as that of a female Robin Hood. She strikes all arrogant men (and inadvertently hits even innocent bystanders), who ride on Malvins’ backs, feed Thumbelinas breakfasts, and shamelessly deceive Cinderellas. The plain truth to the face is naturally unpleasant to men, so they immediately label Harpies as shrews.
Possessing magnetic charisma, Harpy enters every new group with her own statute. She operates through diverse methods—from aggression to exploiting psychological complexes, from provocation to flattery—but always ends up as the pack leader. And she can hold an absolutely inconspicuous position. Even over her boss, she becomes a grey eminence, whose hidden but firm authority—whether with enthusiasm or resentment—is recognized by all. She won’t allow open rebellion, but treats grumbling behind her back philosophically.
Whom to take as an ally and for how long to use them—she decides independently. But if she chooses a man for herself, even a brief romance will leave a bloody trail in his heart forever. And who he will be while they are together and who he will become afterward—depends entirely on her will. And if she sets her eyes on another woman’s husband, the presence of a wife won’t stop her. She takes what she likes without asking.
Yet it is precisely the Harpy that all men dream of, without exception. And those she hasn’t noticed envy in the darkest way those lucky ones who are by her side. And they, having tasted the flavor of a true shrew, would never trade their thorny, pin-studded fate even for the most carefree one.
