They are all around us—our dear and brave, intelligent and talented, cowardly and resourceful, smiling and rude, heavy and agile, self-absorbed and honest, sincere and insolent, tough, loving, tender, deceitful, lazy, heartless.
They are so different, yet none of them are ideal. Our men evoke in us the entire spectrum of emotions, from glowing tenderness to dark murky irritation. And sometimes they are even responsible for our biting irony.
Alces alces – moose.
Class Mammalia, order Artiodactyla, family Cervidae. Almost a deer, but much larger… untidy and clumsy. One of the most common species in urban families, inhabiting city outskirts and industrial districts. The moose grew up bony and poorly educated. Chews gum. Solves crosswords, but never manages to fill out a LinkedIn page. The calf remains in the parents’ family until taken under the wing by another female moose, but the family he forms is often weak, due to the moose’s various dependencies: on alcohol, games, and pornography. He cheers up his cow, but can’t remember the names of his calves. If lucky, and the cow turns out to be physically stronger than the moose, she will keep him in check, and until the age of forty (the aging threshold for city moose), he won’t collapse.
Pongo – orangutan
Class Mammalia, order Primates, family Hominidae. Orangutan (zool. orangutan), an arboreal ape. Hairy, clumsy, irritable. Doesn’t shave, doesn’t care about appearance or fashion, yet still loves taking photos, young females, and beer. Often knows three guitar chords, which he uses as a mating ritual. Has a complicated relationship with work—on one hand, it’s not a wolf, after all; on the other, he feels the need to realize his inner impulses. Besides, workplaces often have pretty secretaries and caring accountants. Lives in a den, which he himself turned his inherited apartment into. The den stinks, which the orangutan rejoices in—it keeps female guests away.
He forms a family only exceptionally, or if forced. Generally, he prefers bachelor life with its eternal sock-hunting and food-scavenging over quiet family joys and raising offspring. Until the very end, he searches for “the one,” skillfully avoiding alimony. Usually, he never finds her, and closer to age 60, along with prostate adenoma, returns to his first wife and children, who have already managed to forget him. He stays as a guest in his adult children’s home, quickly becomes insolent, demands exclusive food, and insists that “everyone shut up—dad is sleeping.”
Nyctereutes procyonoides – raccoon dog.
Class Mammalia, order Carnivora, family Canidae. Unclear—whether raccoon or dog. Undemanding, omnivorous. Often uses burrows abandoned by former owners, where he feels very comfortable and genuinely doesn’t understand why others pity him. His coloring isn’t unique, the fur stands out in nothing special, the coloration has long been boring, yet it has industrial value, which is why he is kept in captivity. The only member of the Canidae family who can play dead, which greatly helps him in life and at work. He does work, despite being a raccoon dog, like an ox. Sometimes like one and a half oxen.
He starts a family late, but raises his cubs with full dedication and energy, not shifting parental duties onto the female raccoon dog. He loves his wife. She cheats on him; he suffers secretly and deeply, significantly shortening his already dog-like lifespan.
Castor fiber – Eurasian beaver.
Class Mammalia, order Rodentia, family Castoridae. The traditional backbone of society, bearer of everything politicians value in the electorate—trusting, hardworking, willing to go wherever directed, content with whatever he finds along the way. Capable of building a city from scratch, cultivating virgin lands, draining swamps, and flying into space. Enjoys a hard life and wouldn’t wish any other for his children. In a self-built house together with parents, up to three generations of offspring sometimes live. The parents get stressed but endure. When it finally becomes unbearable, they move to another river, where shortly before death they manage to build yet another residential area. It passes to their great-grandchildren.
Panthera leo – lion.
Class Mammalia, order Carnivora, family Felidae. Yes, indeed, simply a lion. King of beasts and all that. Found mainly in residential districts. Favorite dwelling—a Khrushchev-era apartment block. In the wild, lions live in groups—prides—where hunting and raising cubs are done exclusively by females. Dad, during his brief free hours when he’s not roaring, eating, or marking territory, might give a cub a good smack on the back of the head—that’s the extent of his family involvement. The lion is considered the nominal leader of the pride because his role in the pride is to protect the family territory from other freeloaders just like himself. So if your beloved lies like a stone on the sofa, sleeping 20 hours a day and, in brief intervals, devouring the best pieces from the fridge, know this—he is a lion. And be proud of it. Especially since statistics show that in captivity, lions grow larger. Particularly around the belly.
