How many good girls there are… and how different they are… In this article, we’ll talk about popular female complexes and how men perceive them. A look from the opposite side, so to speak. But don’t think the author dislikes women. He even loves some of them very much. So…
The Malvina Complex
Also known as the schoolteacher complex. These women are firmly convinced that men do everything wrong (including, of course, children). From this follows the conclusion — they (men, not just children) must be educated. This is exactly what modern “Malvinas” spend their entire lives doing, regardless of age, occupation, social status, or marital status. They even try to train their cats. To a certain extent, this ideology is passed down through generations. Perhaps the most popular educational method is the bedroom one. Remember “The Golden Key”? “Artemon, take him to the closet!” There are other methods too, also effective in their own way: tears, hysterics, visiting mom followed by returning home, threats to get a lover or move far, far away. Here, the extent depends entirely on one’s imagination.
One of my acquaintances, an army warrant officer, once said: “You can find fault even with a telegraph pole for not standing where it should.” I honestly can’t remember the name of this man in uniform anymore, due to the passage of time, but I will probably remember his famous phrase for the rest of my life. Well, people dissatisfied with everything aren’t found only among army warrant officers. Create paradise conditions for them — and they’ll still find a reason to make a displeased face. Like in that anecdote about new Russian women.
– I asked my husband to buy me a fur coat, – one woman complains. – And he replies, “Why do you need another fur coat? You already have seven or eight hanging in your closet.”
– I told mine to buy me a Mercedes 600, – another one complains. – And he answers, “Why do you need another car? You already have a BMW, an SUV, and a Mercedes 500.”
– Yes, ladies, – the third sums up, – we lived in misery all our lives, and in misery we will die.
The Clever Elsa Complex
Named after the main heroine of a German fairy tale. A farmer married off his eldest daughter. The girl was very intelligent, at least she thought so herself. The wedding was celebrated in a small family circle — the groom and bride, her parents, and her younger sister. They drank a jug of wine, and the father said: “Elsa, take the jug, go down to the cellar, there’s a barrel there — fill it with more wine.” The girl went down to the basement, filled the jug, and was about to return to the table, but then noticed a hatchet hanging from a hook in the wall right above the barrel. “Disaster is coming,” she immediately thought. “Let’s reason logically. Here I’ve just gotten married. We’ll have a boy. He’ll grow up. One fine day, my husband and I will be working in the field. We’ll get thirsty. We’ll send the child to the cellar for wine. He’ll lean over the barrel, and at that moment the hatchet will fall off the hook, hit the child on the head, and crack his skull.” She sat down by the barrel and began to weep bitterly. Meanwhile, the father, seeing that his eldest daughter wasn’t returning, sent the younger one to find out what happened. She went down to the cellar, saw Elsa crying, and asked what was wrong. Elsa told her the whole tragic story about the hatchet and the cracked skull. The younger sister sat down beside her and started crying too. The father then sent the mother. She went down to the cellar and joined her daughters. Well, of course — such a tragedy. Then the father, excusing himself to his father-in-law, went down himself. In the cellar, he heard the same horror story, and since over the years of living in a female environment he had learned that a woman is always right in everything, without hesitation he joined those who were weeping. Finally, the son-in-law got tired of waiting and climbed down into the cellar. Seeing his relatives crying, he naturally asked what had happened. They explained. The son-in-law bravely listened to the terrible story to the end, but instead of crying, he simply took down the hatchet and put it in the corner, saying something along the lines of: “Don’t sweat it.”
That’s in the fairy tale. In real life, dealing with such women is somewhat more difficult. They always and everywhere see signs of an approaching catastrophe — whether it’s a change in government, a two-day delay in salary payment, an extra beer drunk by the husband, or gloves forgotten by a child going to buy bread. The worldview of such beauties can only be compared to that of a person living near an active volcano.
The Prosecutor Complex
In every woman’s life, there are ups and downs, successes and failures, achievements and losses. The reasons vary. Sometimes the person is to blame, sometimes the environment, and sometimes, as they say, it’s just force majeure. But for the owner of the above-mentioned complex, there’s one answer to seven troubles: men are to blame for all their misfortunes. They and no one else. Therefore, every man is perceived as a potential enemy of the people. It doesn’t matter who he is — husband, lover, work colleague, fellow passenger on public transport, or a plumber who came in good faith to fix the tap. The logic is as simple as a sledgehammer blow. Man — therefore guilty. Hence, guilty of all sins.
Government crisis, lack of a sexual partner, cellulite, low salary, torn tights, workplace problems (even if the staff is entirely female) — this is just a small part of the crimes men have committed against the fairer sex. “But what about punishment?” you may ask. “If there’s a crime, there must be punishment, as the classic says.” Don’t worry. There is punishment, usually in the form of brain grinding. Again, you can grind a man’s nerves over absolutely anything (see the warrant officer complex). Just the other day, I personally witnessed a wife grinding her husband’s nerves — guess over what? Over a packet of seeds forgotten at the supermarket. Worth 35 kopecks. 35 kopecks! Probably a world record of sorts, worthy of being entered into the appropriate book.
The Prostitute Complex
Having sex just for the sake of pleasing one’s husband or for personal pleasure — that means not respecting oneself. This is what some women believe. Before getting into bed with a man, it’s absolutely necessary to make him pay up or burden him with a pile of various tasks. If he copes — good job. If not — let him go to hell. Absolutely correct. Professionals would approve. No need to do charity work. And generally, accumulated sexual tension can be relieved using a vibrator.
The Procrustes Complex or the Supermodel Complex
This fellow, who lived in ancient times, tried to reshape the appearance of every passerby. If the person was too tall — chop off the legs. Too short? Stretch him out, no problem. Procrustes even invented a special bed — a prototype of the modern surgical table — he just didn’t manage to patent it. Had he lived in our times, he would undoubtedly have become a world-famous plastic surgeon, but as it was… The fate of gifted individuals is most often tragic. Unfortunately, this folk healer didn’t just bother women, but sometimes men as well — and paid for it in the end… As for the owners of the above-mentioned complex, they are extremely dissatisfied with their own appearance (even in cases where, as they say, men don’t give them a moment’s peace). I’m too tall (too short). My breasts are too small (too big). And those who are unhappy with their weight only calm down when exhaustion brings them to the grave.
In conclusion, I’d like to say that the above-mentioned complexes rarely grow in isolation. Usually, they flourish in full bouquets. Who’s to blame for this? Men, who else? Starting from Adam and ending with your humble servant. With this, I take my leave.
