Dear women, don’t be afraid of them: they’re almost like us, only with smaller breasts and more hair. (And for some reason, they like our breasts more than their own. Strange.)
There’s a lot of strangeness about men, but if you look closely, they’re almost like people. You just need to know how to handle them properly.
And to communicate correctly, you need to understand their language. Here, as a translator, I can help you. It’s not difficult, since they use very few words. Let’s learn the translation from male language into Russian.
This is interesting – I have no idea what you’re talking about because I wasn’t listening.
I’m close to my mom – I live with my mom.
I don’t want to rush you – I’m giving you one more minute and then I’m leaving.
I love you – I don’t want to use a condom.
Let’s make the wedding small – Let’s not invite your damn relatives.
Yes – No.
What did I do? – Damn, got caught!
Sorry, I didn’t know you were on your period – And you pull this trick on me every single month!
Alright – I lost this round.
What? – No idea what to say.
You should’ve reminded me – You should’ve reminded me 200 times, not 199.
You’re silly – You’re stupid!
I’m not as perfect as you – You’re the one who ate the poisoned apple, and now the whole world is upside down.
I don’t understand why you’re so upset – I don’t understand why you can’t just wait until the commercial break.
I’m sorry – Not sorry at all, but saying this just so you’ll shut up for a minute.
Calm down and take a deep breath – You’re blocking my screen.
I swear I didn’t look at her – I wouldn’t have looked, but you saw her melons!
I promise I’ll do better next time – Tomorrow morning I’m out of here.
I didn’t do it – I did. And I will again.
You’re right, I was wrong – Hooray, tonight I’m not sleeping on the couch!
You’re just like your mother – You’re just like Satan!
You know you’re not always right – I haven’t caught you yet, but someday…!
Let me drive the car – I’m scared when you’re driving.
You’re too good for me – I’m too good for you.
We need to talk – I need to talk, and you need to keep your mouth shut.
This is better – This is better for me.
I’ll drop by tomorrow to see how you’re doing – I’ll drop by to pick up my CD.
Call me if you need anything – I’ll be screening calls.
I can’t go to your friends’ wedding – I don’t want to give you any bad ideas.
I can’t stay: I have to get up early tomorrow – You looked more attractive before I sobered up.
And so on. Mastering male vocabulary isn’t hard. The main thing is to try thinking from a male perspective and learn the female vocabulary that men can actually understand.
It should be a team language with a set of short, universally accessible phrases that a man can quickly and clearly grasp. Allow me to suggest a short phrasebook that’s easy and convenient to use:
– No means no!
– “Dinner” at a restaurant does not mean sex!
– Leave me alone, jerk!
– Finally close the damn toilet door when you’re sitting there!
– Wash your hands afterwards!
– Turn off the TV!
– Not tonight! I have a headache.
– Put the damn toilet seat down!
– No way! What? Still no way!
– Call your mom—she’s already driving me crazy!
– Hands off the beer!
– No, you can’t!
– Oh my God!
– Zip up—your junk’s all hanging out!
– And this is the whole paycheck?!
– Tell that to your mom!
Well, and so on… The main thing is to maintain Olympic calm, give the “see-through” stare, and remember who runs the house. Eventually, this will bear fruit. By the way, regarding time: they have their own distorted and inadequate perception of time. There’s no present, past, or future for them. It’s something else:
Sunday – football day.
Monday – the day after football day.
Tuesday – five days until football day.
Wednesday – four days until football day.
Thursday – three days until…
Well, you get the idea. And that’s just the small stuff—days of the week. Here’s how they perceive time in larger chunks:
January – the month they recover from New Year’s.
February – the month they must buy heart-shaped chocolate and write valentines so he won’t feel lonely!
March – time to buy flowers again so he feels just as lonely.
April – the month he eats all the colored eggs in the house, even though he doesn’t like eggs at all.
May – when he needs to figure out how to avoid a summer family vacation.
June – the month he finally figures it out.
July – his personal vacation.
August – the month he decides to extend his personal vacation.
September – the month he needs to escape on a business trip while the “velvet season” lasts.
October – the month to rest after vacations and velvet seasons, and properly celebrate Halloween.
November – the month to recover from excessive Halloween celebrations.
December – the month before New Year’s and next January, when he already needs to start recovering from New Year’s.
Taking into account all these peculiarities of perception and mastering the simple technique of decoding male behavior, we can peacefully and beneficially coexist side by side for a lifetime, to the mutual satisfaction of both parties. Wisdom and love!
