Even in a children’s rhyme, the question was raised about what little boys are made of. Remember, it mentioned snips, snails, and puppy dogs’ tails. But boys grow up, become men, and fill their lives with new things and concepts. Isn’t it time, dear ladies, that we finally figured out what the average adult man is “made of”? After all, now a piece of blotting paper probably holds little value for him. Its honorable place has surely been taken by…
The Car.
A man without a car is a horseman without a horse. If his hands aren’t smeared with oil, if he doesn’t jump up at night at the alarm’s beep, if he doesn’t spend a lion’s share of the budget on his beloved vehicle and invent sweet nicknames for it, then he’s not really a man at all. A man who walks everywhere is just a temporary phenomenon. Sooner or later, he’ll get a car anyway. Then he’ll inevitably have to buy spare parts, lovingly caress the bodywork, and change tires. And on weekends—ah, bliss!—upon shouting, “My ball joint’s gone!” he can gather his friends and, all together, repair his mechanical treasure in the garage. And friends will definitely come to help. Because there’s such a thing as true male…
Bonding.
We women need girlfriends to chat with, but a man needs… comrades. Otherwise, who will go with him to the sauna, fishing, or to watch football? Who will drink beer with him, rebuild a carburetor once again, or start a new business? Only someone like himself! No, men do talk sometimes. Sports, technology, politics—these are the topics of their heartfelt conversations. But the end of the world will come sooner than any man says, “Oh, guys, I’ve been searching forever for a shirt to match my eye color.” They’re hardly interested in fashion or their appearance. Although every man periodically gets the urge to do sports and keeps equipment at home.
Dumbbells.
Although most representatives of the stronger sex already have dumbbells. Usually, they lie somewhere in a corner and get moved from place to place only during wet cleaning. It doesn’t matter whether the man actually uses them or not. The main thing is that they exist, and their mere presence lifts his spirits. And a woman should not get upset and say, “Just throw them out already!”—but remember that dumbbells are one of the symbols of masculinity. The second such symbol for every man is…
Drill.
No man can live without this tool. So don’t faint if he uses the money saved for a new washing machine to buy this marvel of technology. Let him. Otherwise, when he needs to hammer in a nail, your beloved will bitterly declare, “There’s no drill!”—and silently, full of reproach, head to the kitchen to console himself. Because nothing calms shaken male nerves quite like…
Food.
Men eat what we are afraid of. Potato with a cutlet for breakfast, canteen-style dumplings with mayonnaise and a mountain of ketchup for lunch, a couple of hot dogs with beer for supper. And in the evening, as soon as he opens the door and takes off his shoes, a man immediately shouts: “Well, are we eating tonight or not?!” If you haven’t formalized your relationship yet, you can risk answering: “No, darling! Tonight we’re dancing!”—and, grabbing him in your arms, whirl around the room. But such jokes with a hungry man are extremely dangerous if you’re his legal…
Wife.
Wife is not a status. Wife is a title a man awards to the most worthy of women. And she must live up to this title. That is:
a) cook well, but not stay in the kitchen all day;
b) be intellectual, but not too smart;
c) look sexy, but in a way others don’t notice;
d) be the soul of the company, but behave quieter than water and lower than grass.
Only such a woman can a man trust with caring for his well-being and…
Health.
We all suffer the same way, but men visit doctors three times less often than women. And it’s not due to special endurance, but to the principle: “I’ll die, but won’t go to the hospital.” This is because a man greatly fears experiencing even greater pain during treatment. He’d rather groan and suffer all week, driving his wife to madness, than voluntarily go to the dentist. And if he gets a splinter in his finger, he’ll never allow it to be pulled out, but will shout about it across the entire neighborhood, demanding sympathy. As Mayakovsky said: “A nail in my boot is more horrific than Goethe’s fantasy!” And we, women, must not dismiss such statements, but treat them with full seriousness. Because this is not…
Games.
How many times can we repeat: a man is not a little child! He’s simply an expert in games:
a) sports;
b) computer;
c) nerve-racking.
And in between games, he’s interested in…
Love.
When a man is in love, he does everything that usually annoys him when others do it. Yet every self-respecting gentleman has had great love at least once in his life. Usually in the past. Sometimes he mentions this love, hinting that his fiancée, a blonde twenty-year-old millionaire, was crazy about him, but a random plane crash separated them forever, and he lost the woman of his life. Don’t believe it! The woman of his entire life was, is, and will be…
Mother.
If you do something wrong—your man will inevitably compare you to his mother. Note: not to his sister, not to his grandmother, and certainly not to his aunt from Berdychiv. Mom, mummy, mama—she is his ideal. And your eternal rival. So quickly take your husband in your arms and take him far away from his family home—to where only you will cook borscht for him, see him off to work, and pick up his…
Socks.
I warn you right away—socks he will hide. Your task is to find these textile-hosiery items before they make themselves, excuse me, known. Search under the chair, under the sofa, and under the bed. In particularly severe cases, tear up the parquet. And grumble, grumble. Because this is also a kind of…
Searching.
The thing is, every man is in search of:
a) a woman;
b) himself;
c) the meaning of life;
d) the keys.
Regarding the first and the last, no need to worry—those who search always find. But the two middle points cause difficulties. A man may “search for himself” until he’s forty. Some individuals spend their entire lives on this. The search for life’s meaning—same story. Men all over the world have been looking for it for several thousand years, and I haven’t yet heard of anyone who found it. It would seem time to calm down and do something more useful—say, grow violets (for beauty) or geraniums (against moths). But no. Growing geraniums he leaves to the woman, while he steps aside and, like a Chekhovian character, tears his hair and cries: “God!!! I’m thirty-five!!! And what have I achieved?!” This scene usually ends very banally: the man, comforted and calmed, goes to watch football, and the woman goes to drink valerian. But exceptions happen. A friend of mine had a husband who left his family, prestigious job, and went to Tibet to sweep the floor in some guru’s hut. Although he could have just as well stayed in Moscow and swept his own floor in his tidy apartment. And who knows, maybe then he’d have understood the meaning of life. And perhaps even started…
Repairs.
Yet, men and home repairs are incompatible concepts. I am convinced that, were it not for women, men would live in their apartments until plaster began falling from the ceiling. And even amid the ruins, a man would still find solid arguments against the detested chore:
a) autumn is such a gloomy season…
b) winter is not the best time for repairs;
c) do you want me, weakened by spring vitamin deficiency, to be hanging wallpaper?
d) who does repairs in summer, in such heat?
And there you have it. But we know that, whether in heat or cold, a man will gladly trade repairs for no less energy-consuming…
Sex.
Men are governed by testosterone. While we care more about how we are treated, men are deeply concerned with the statistics of bedroom success. A cavalier victory is a true triumph for a man. Eventually, completely exhausted, he will collapse, close his eyes, and his thunderous…
Snoring.
If a man is not fantasizing, repairing a car, on the lookout, or comparing you to his mother, rest assured—he is asleep. The moment you leave him alone for just a minute, he instantly switches off. Sometimes I think men don’t sleep only because women and extraordinary circumstances keep interrupting them. Still! Occasionally men can be very sweet. For example, when they give us…
Flowers.
Personally, I wouldn’t mind diamonds—they at least won’t wilt. Nor would I refuse cruises, cars, villas, or even the Hanging Gardens of Semiramis. But… flowers, fine, flowers. Although men could certainly give them much more often. In romance novels, for instance, heroines receive flowers almost daily. But men don’t read romance novels. They prefer something entirely different…
Reading.
While women’s magazines always contain elements of psychology, men’s magazines invariably feature a springy female bust. Stock market news, photos of Pamela Anderson, science fiction, adventure novels, and the newspaper “Sport-Express” interest men far more than analysis of gender relations. They are too lazy to delve into the essence of human character, so they collectively believe that women are mysterious unearthly beings who need only…
The Stamp.
A stamp is merely a type of imprint on official paper. Yet any mention of it triggers trembling and uncontrollable fear in men. To verify this, simply approach a man from behind and quietly whisper: “I want a stamp.” It doesn’t matter which one or where. He won’t even ask. When a woman utters this word, a man loses his speech. And this has been happening to him ever since he began growing…
Stubble.
Stubble is one of the most noticeable signs of masculinity, traditionally destroyed every day. And although men insist that giving birth is easier than shaving for a lifetime, women somehow have learned to do both. And a third thing. Not only do we give birth, shave our legs, remove upper lip hair by electrolysis, and apply molten wax to the bikini area, but we also kiss our unshaven partners in the morning. “So what?” the partners wonder. And indeed. Who cares if a bit of facial skin gets scraped off? It’s even funny. That’s just a man’s…
Humor.
Although Kozma Prutkov once warned: “Don’t joke with women: such jokes are both foolish and indecent,” men continue to entertain us with all their might. Their humor is the movie “Naked Gun,” army anecdotes, dubious jokes, and stories about women’s logic. It’s pointless to take offense: changing a man is practically impossible. The easiest thing is to try to find with your partner a common…
Language.
Men don’t speak the way we do. They mostly use verbs, completely forgetting about adjectives. They are practically unable to talk about feelings, but better at recounting events. Sometimes it seems we speak entirely different languages. But we manage to invent something like Esperanto for communication, and, when we really want to, we can understand each other. And that’s the most important thing.
