Any girl is a slow-acting clockwork mechanism, and certain circumstances in her life can trigger an explosion of the “nobody’s left alive in the village” variety. We’re sharing safety techniques developed by the most cynical psychologists in the country.
She hates your best friend
You probably have an inseparable school or prison buddy with whom you share a Strong Male Friendship built on fights, love affairs, and insane dacha binges. In this case, you surely know that your old comrade and your new girlfriend are like alien worms from that disgusting “X-Files” series: they can’t coexist in the same organism. He gleefully mocks her smooth contours and secretly calls her Mongolia, while she throws a fit every time he places his beer bottle back into your aquarium. Overall, people are having fun, but you’re not laughing.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Oleksandr Savchenko: “You need to convince the girl that Serhiy is an important, albeit not primary, element in your life. With him, you can discuss numerous serious issues of interest to men, for example, whether Diego Maradona used his hand in the 1986 World Cup quarter-final match. Scare your girlfriend by telling her that without Serhiy around, she’ll have to repeatedly replay those fateful 12 seconds for England’s national team and argue with you each time about the referees’ decisions.”
Detonating phrase. “But Serhiy is like a brother to me! He introduced me to my first girlfriend!”
She really loves money
Your girlfriend sincerely believes that after a divorce, the wife should get everything, while the husband is left with a tabletop hockey game—including both spare pucks, relatives who attended the wedding, and the dog whose brain has long been eaten away by fleas. She’s also convinced that a shared budget means you two, united in emotional ecstasy, jointly choose her a crocodile-skin handbag on eBay. This love triangle of “you – her – your money” is seriously getting on your nerves.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Andrii Hulnov: “That’s the risk of meeting people in dimly lit, smoke-filled, poorly ventilated sleazy places: you might meet, fall in love, and bond without properly examining your future wife, only to arrive at your own wedding and realize you’re engaged to a vending machine. If you’ve nevertheless fallen for a girl obsessed with material gain, the only thing left is to play by her rules. Specifically, accept the commodity-money relationship system she imposes. Does she want a summer trip to the islands? Agree—but in return, demand a threesome. Either way, you’ll come out ahead: most likely, your girlfriend will restrain her appetites; if not, consider yourself lucky.”
Detonating phrase. “You still haven’t paid me back for Friday’s hamburger!”
She’s a pathological neat freak
When your ex-girlfriend dragged you into an argument over who put the ice tray with the dead cockroach in the fridge, you felt she was invading your personal space. So you left your toenail clippings in plain sight, as if they were decorative art objects—just so she’d leave! And she did. But her place was taken by a true maniac who washes apples in potassium permanganate and wants to wear a respirator at home. You miss that frozen cockroach.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Oleksandr Savchenko: “The main problem faced by men and women who decide to live together is dirt. For some hormonal, presumably, reasons, women can detect individual dirt molecules, while men tend not to notice them until they form heavy clumps suitable for growing vegetables. The woman says: ‘Why haven’t you cleaned the bathroom? It’s filthy… ugh!’ But the man, whose idea of ‘filthy’ is linked to the men’s toilet in a pub where bacteria the size of a praying mantis thrive, simply can’t understand what she’s talking about. However, if the girl voluntarily takes on your Augean stables, I don’t see a problem!”
Detonating phrase. “I forbid you to turn on noisy household appliances during the football cup final!”
Her best friend is getting married
Your girlfriend’s best friend is a spiteful, complex-ridden creature whose sole ecological function is ruining your life, especially your personal life. Astonishingly, someone has actually fallen for her: one morning, a neighbor—a perfectly normal guy, essentially—came over to help kill a spider and accidentally left behind his toothbrush, all his clothes, and furniture. Recently, he gave his beloved harpy an engagement ring with such a huge diamond that she’ll never be able to swim in natural bodies of water again, fearing she’ll get sucked into the mud up to her shoulders. Your girlfriend is in a trance.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Andrii Hulnov: “Life rarely gives you a chance to snag a top-tier wedding dress, and it’s better not to miss it. Because a wedding dress isn’t just a dress. It will be stored in a box on the highest shelf for decades, and perhaps your daughter will retrieve it when preparing for her own wedding attire (ugh!). In general, for a woman, a wedding is a symbolic event. The only way to temporarily displace this symbol from her thoughts is to redirect her attention—say, by taking her on a vacation to warmer climates.”
Detonating phrase. “Well, that’s it—your little friend has finally done it.”
She wants a child
A pair of delicate lemon-colored baby booties has taken up residence in her car. She’s pushing vegetables and cheese, but she’s not rushing to the bathroom in the mornings. And she wholeheartedly despises drunken sex, which she considers characteristic not of a human but of a pig. You realize with horror that a trip to the family planning center is imminent.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Oleksii Mykhailov: “Regardless of what a woman appears to be occupied with externally—building a career, writing a novel, hunting for the next pair of shoes—her internal organs are consumed with gathering food for a child, preparing a nursery, and so on. Every month, they regretfully let go of all this, only to start again, while the woman receives a friendly biological greeting from them: ‘Everything’s fine. Everything’s simply wonderful. Just live and enjoy. And don’t think about us, slaving away here trying to ensure the survival of the human race.’ This is physiology, difficult to overcome with psychology. But you can try: if you entertain the idea that this woman might one day have the honor of carrying your child, honestly explain to her why you’re not ready to become a father right now. Women rarely hear guilty admissions from men, and with their characteristic quirky logic, they assume that recognizing the problem is half the solution.”
Detonating phrase. “According to financial analysts’ forecasts, the world will overcome the financial crisis in nine years. That’s when we’ll have a baby!”
She’s tired of sex
After some time, relationships lose their initial intensity. Even if you once burned with passion and were like those lovers in romantic movies who throw themselves into each other’s arms, fall to the ground wherever they are—even on a pasture—and lie unconscious among cow patties. You didn’t really think they actually do that? That they spend their whole lives lying like that? Of course not. But deep down, you hoped, and your hopes were unfulfilled.
Enter the sapper.
Psychologist Oleksii Mykhailov. “Relationships won’t last long on pure romance alone. Sooner or later, you have to come down to earth and make a decision: either you break up with your girlfriend and look for someone else, hoping to once again experience that fiery passion amid a herd of cows, or you accept that your relationship may transition into a more mature phase, based not so much on impulses as on the desire to stay together.”
The detonating phrase. “Well, nothing terrible. The sex wasn’t exactly mind-blowing.”
Reassurance
How to calm your girlfriend down (this time benefiting her)
Chamomile tea
An excellent remedy against colds, menstrual cramps, and—bingo!—a mild sedative. Two to three cups a day for two weeks, and your girlfriend will become a completely different person. This is not another myth about cabbage and breasts, but a conclusion drawn by male scientists.
Valerian root
A powerful relaxant. When cats ingest valerian, they fall into sexual frenzy; human girls, however, fall into a blissful state of indifference toward external stimuli. Including you.
Passionflower
Traditionally used to treat insomnia and anxiety. Still popular today: in Italy, it’s prescribed to hyperactive little brats and to women exhausted by mineral water who are diligently trying to conceive. Don’t worry: pregnancy is not listed among passionflower’s side effects.
St. John’s wort
A potent herb, despite its pretty yellow flowers. Effective against various forms of female depression, though slightly less so than a prolonged shopping session. Available in any pharmacy—in tea bags and occasionally in capsules.
