An old maid or spinster — a lady who has never been married, a mule who, by her own principles, does not need men?
You can be an Old Maid at any age, because the Old Maid is not necessarily an unpleasant elderly woman in tasteless clothing; the Old Maid is a state of soul. Women who have remained single are constantly advised how to get married, but nothing helps. It’s time to draw conclusions on how to NEVER get married!
There is no recipe for turning Shapoklyak into a princess, but there are twelve ways to become one!
Aries
Every time a man appears on the horizon, express disdain with your entire appearance, gestures, and tone. Ideally, let your voice carry undertones of aggression. Constantly interrupt him, and don’t forget to emphasize your opinion on the “weak male sex” at every convenient opportunity. All of this is very characteristic of Aries.
Taurus
Avoid social gatherings at all costs, except for the company of a half-blind, hard-of-hearing grandfather or a bald, slightly chubby coworker, seemingly divorced, but a promising deputy director. Or reassure yourself that men have nothing interesting except money. For one, jot down another spicy recipe from a women’s magazine. In the evening, you’ll have something to occupy yourself with before lying down in a cold bed: full and satisfied.
Gemini
Why do you need a man when there are so many interesting people, puppies, kitties, hippos, and crocodiles in the world? The latter are the best listeners and love only you. You can make a friend who is as attractive and sexually appealing as possible—more so than you. But your best weapon is witty phrases, expressive synonyms and antonyms that hit the bullseye, and endless questions whose answers don’t interest you at all.
Cancer
Steer clear of cosmetic salons, hairdressers, and stylish clothing stores by three miles. Under no circumstances spend money on updating your look—this is outdated. Retro is in fashion now: a sweater from your grandmother’s chest dating back to the revolutionary era, and worn-out shoes will do perfectly to repel men—those rowdy troublemakers, libertines, all of them having only one thing on their minds…
Maintain a gloomy appearance: make sure you express how bad you’re feeling, how something aches, or that you’re suffering from a severe depression.
Leo
Look down on men from the tips of your hair to your fingernails. Create an image for yourself, be more arrogant, more independent, more free. Respond to compliments and double entendres with a “feral roar.” Finally, take a gag, handcuffs, and a whip, and force the man to submit to you completely. Open a club of like-minded women and name it “Away with the Subhumans in My Name.” You’ll have many allies.
Virgo
Somewhere out there in the universe, there exists one single ideal man—your soulmate. And truth is somewhere out there too… Don’t compromise your ideal. Never forget that he must possess a prince’s certificate and a driver’s license for a white horse. But even if you do meet him, remember: a girl’s best friends are not princes, but diamonds.
Libra
All men resemble Freddy Krueger, or at the very least, animals or insects. Organize a casting where men will display their ideal torso, perfect teeth, and flawless skin for you. Meanwhile, never look at yourself in the mirror.
Scorpio
The number of men per female soul in the population is rapidly decreasing. Therefore, you must take whatever is poorly guarded. Maybe he’s getting married. To achieve this, you must be highly sexual, have a demonic gaze, a mini skirt-belt, a blouse with a deep décolletage, and fishnet tights in large red mesh.
After sex, say how tired you are, put on slippers and a bathrobe, curl your hair with rollers, ask him to wash the dishes and go to the bakery. Demand more bread and entertainment.
Sagittarius
Spend most of your free time traveling, because life is so short—you must manage to explore the entire Earth. If you can’t afford this pleasure, don’t deny yourself gray and brown clothes, sneakers, jeans, caps, and sweaters. Cultivate a sense of female solidarity, always and everywhere.
Capricorn
After thirty, your life is over. After this age, you will never manage to get married. So you can tie your hair into a bun, put on glasses, and use only hygienic lipstick. On the other hand, you have sound life principles and career growth. You’ve suffered enough—now let the whole world bow before you.
Aquarius
Organize your life exactly as you wish. Every evening, hang on the phone chatting with friends, arrange get-togethers with girlfriends, have dinner in front of a TV series, do a thorough apartment cleaning on weekends. And most importantly, don’t hide any of this—let them accept you as you are.
Pisces
Be an hour late for a date, wear galoshes to a picnic, paint your nails before sex, pack your suitcase half an hour before boarding the plane. If anyone ever says you’re strange, confirm it by saying: “Yes! That’s me! There must be some mystery in a woman!”
