Old maid or spinster — a woman who has never been married, a mule, and one who, by her own principles, does not need men?
You can be an Old Virgo at any age, for an Old Virgin is not necessarily an unpleasant elderly woman in tasteless clothing. An Old Virgin is a state of the soul. Women who have outstayed their welcome as girls are constantly advised on how to get married, but nothing helps. It’s time to conclude that you will NEVER get married!
There is no recipe to turn Shapoklyak into a princess, but there are twelve ways to become her!
Aries Each time a man appears on the horizon, express your contempt with your entire demeanor, gestures, and tone. Preferably, let your voice carry notes of aggression. Constantly interrupt him and be sure to emphasize your opinion about the “weak male sex” at every convenient opportunity. All of this is very typical of Aries.
Taurus Categorically avoid company, except for a half-blind and half-deaf old man or a slightly paunchy, seemingly divorced employee who is a promising deputy director. Or console yourself with the thought that men have nothing interesting to offer except money. For dessert, jot down another spicy recipe from a women’s magazine. In the evening, you’ll have something to do before retiring to your cold, satisfied, and full bed.
Gemini Why do you need a man when the world is full of interesting people, dogs, cats, hippos, and crocodiles? The latter are the best listeners and love only you. You can make a friend, preferably one who is more sexually attractive than you. But your best weapon is witty phrases, expressive synonyms and antonyms that hit the mark, and endless questions to which you have no interest in the answers.
Cancer Steer clear of beauty salons, hairdressers, and stylish clothing stores by at least three miles. Under no circumstances spend money on updates—it’s vulgar. Retro is in fashion now: a blouse from Grandma’s revolutionary-era trunk and scuffed shoes will perfectly repel any man—a rowdy, libertine, all they think about is one thing… Maintain a sullen expression: do you feel how bad you are? Do you have something hurting? Or is it severe depression?
Leo Despise men down to the tips of your hair and nails. Create an image for yourself—be more arrogant, more independent, more free. Respond to compliments and suggestive hints with a “beastly roar,” finally take a gag, handcuffs, and a whip, and force a man to obey you in everything. Open a club based on shared interests and call it “Down with the Subhumans Named Svo.” You’ll have plenty of allies.
Virgo Somewhere in the universe, there exists one perfect man, your better half. And truth be told, it’s out there… Do not stray from your ideal, remember that he must have a prince’s ID and a driver’s license for a white horse. But even if he does cross your path, remember that a girl’s best friends are not principles but diamonds.
Libra All men are like Freddy Krueger, or at the very least, like animals or insects. Organize a casting where men demonstrate their perfect torsos, perfect teeth, and perfect skin. Meanwhile, never look at yourself in the mirror.
Scorpio The number of men per female population is rapidly declining. So you must grab whatever lies poorly. Maybe he’ll propose. For this, you must be very sexy, have a demonic gaze, a mini skirt-belt, a blouse with a deep neckline, and fishnet stockings. After sex, say you’re tired, put on slippers and a robe, roll your hair in curlers, ask him to wash the dishes and go to the bakery. Demand more bread and circuses.
Sagittarius Spend most of your free time traveling, for life is short and you must have time to explore the entire Earth. If you can’t afford such pleasures, don’t deny yourself outfits in gray and brown, sneakers, jeans, caps, and sweaters. Cultivate a sense of female solidarity in yourself, always and everywhere.
Capricorn After thirty, your life is over. After that, you won’t be able to get married. So you can tie your hair in a bun, put on glasses, and only use hygienic lipstick. Instead, you have proper life principles and career growth. You’ve suffered enough—now let the whole world bend to your will.
Aquarius Arrange your life however you like. Every evening, chat on the phone with your girlfriends, host get-togethers with pals, have dinner in front of a TV series, and reorganize your apartment on weekends. And most importantly, don’t hide any of it—let them take you as you are.
Pisces Arrive an hour late for dates, wear heels to a picnic, paint your nails before sex, and pack your suitcase half an hour before boarding a plane. If someone ever says you’re strange, confirm it by saying: “Yes! I am! There has to be some mystery in a woman!”
