Want to get to know a person? Do a renovation with them! This seemingly peaceful activity can sometimes turn into a real catastrophe. Nerve cells die in unison with the wallet melting before your eyes. For the sake of your own health, it’s worth knowing what to expect from your partner during this difficult period.
Aries
Perpetual renovation. This is no joke—renovation must be perfect. Budget-friendly. Perfect. Perfect and budget-friendly. To fit within such constraints, Aries will furiously study price lists from every construction supermarket, kiosk, and tent. Soon they will know all current and upcoming promotions, and their pockets will be stuffed with loyalty coupons.
After a month of meticulous price monitoring, store administrators will recognize Aries by their persistent phone calls, not to mention their voice. No wonder the renovation process moves at a snail’s pace—until one wall is perfected, Aries won’t move on to the second. Home is my fortress, and everything in it must be perfect—I’m telling you, this outlet needs to be installed 1.5 cm higher. The big question is whether Aries will live to see the end of their ideal renovation.
Taurus
Renovation costs Taurus incredible effort. They stand still. Yes, honey, renovation means emptying the wallet. And what could be worse for Taurus than parting with money? Then another problem arises—Taurus feels a physical need for the renovation result to last forever. There’s no way around using materials meant to “last for ages,” but here’s the catch: they’re expensive.
And that’s enough to trigger Taurus’ Big Bang, with yet another problem looming. Taurus cannot live in shabby conditions; it’s hard for them to stay in such a dump. But elegance, shine, and beauty require even more money. The circle is closed. Taurus isn’t built to live within it. And so they rage and tear apart, debris raining down on the unfortunate household members. Staying alive becomes the mission for those “lucky” enough to dive into renovation with Taurus.
Gemini
Lovers of spontaneous renovations. A new fridge magnet automatically triggers a complete kitchen overhaul because the wall color clashes with that very magnet. Or this happened: Gemini walked into a construction supermarket (excuse the intimate detail) for a minor errand and accidentally bought a chandelier. A beautiful one!!! But green. And the wallpaper is blue. Not quite harmonious. Gemini have a passion for neatness. They’d rather change the wallpaper than return the new chandelier.
Gemini are unable to save money, so completing the entire renovation at once is problematic. So what? Not do renovation at all? Nonsense! Therefore, it’s highly likely to encounter Gemini living in an eclectic home where triple-glazed windows, a super-modern insulated balcony, vintage newspaper-style wallpaper (gorgeously stunning!) and a ruined Khrushchev-era kitchen coexist—so bad even cockroaches refuse to stick their antennae inside.
Cancer
Cancer approaches renovation technically. Generally practical folks with many long-term connections. So they always have a neighbor’s brother’s friend’s classmate from daycare who lays tiles divinely, and their father-in-law’s brother-in-law’s neighbor’s sister’s friend is a god-gifted electrician. On top of this luck, Cancers possess excellent abstract thinking and memory, so they effortlessly determine that wallpaper from the second store will match floor tiles from the first. And they’re right! Seems like renovate and rejoice! Everything could be fine—if only they weren’t interfered with.
The problem lies in their family loyalty. There might be a Gemini in the household who isn’t satisfied with Cancer’s “perfect” kitchen. What’s to explain? The kitchen doesn’t match the fridge magnet! Poor Cancer is torn between their own sense of beauty and love for their relatives. Leave Cancer in peace! And everything will be okay.
Leo
These renovations are done with flair. They generally love drama, and what could compare to renovation? It’s the most dramatic rollercoaster. Having strange men in dirty work clothes hammering and pounding for hours on end in their home doesn’t bother them at all. Why stress when the house is full of servants you can look down upon? Paradise!
Everyone in Leo’s close and distant circle usually gets sucked into the whirlwind of renovation—anyone who owns a car, can move a wardrobe, or carry a piano up nine flights without an elevator. And yes, even close ones can be treated with disdain.
Renovation unexpectedly dragging on, deadlines missed by contractors—none of this causes Leo to ruin their mood or panic. With Olympian calm and a Mona Lisa smile, they flip cutlets with a spatula, fine the construction crew a week’s wages, and glow with happiness.
Virgo
Only thorough renovation! What’s this “let’s just put up some wallpaper”? What if suddenly you want to rewire, then what? Tear down what you just put up? Walls—level them. Outlets—replace them. Ceiling—refresh it. And install brand-new baseboards. If there’s even a one-in-a-million chance that Virgo can handle it alone without hiring a construction crew, they will undoubtedly do so.
Is there anyone in the construction crew? Right—humans. And you can’t trust humans; even a child knows that. Actually, Virgos love doing renovations, even though they inevitably face problems arising during the process. Their love is completely understandable—their head is always full, and emotions overflow. Virgos need emotions like air. A Virgo without emotions is no longer a Virgo, but some kind of Capricorn.
Libra
Not renovation, but real hell. And it begins, like a theater, with a coat rack—and there are 15 different types of them in the decor store. This is insane—15 different kinds of hangers! How on earth do you choose? What kind of nerves does it take to endure this?! And this is just the lousy hangers… laminate, wallpaper, chandeliers, tiles… Mom!!! Libra can spend half a day circling a construction store and walk out with empty hands. Meanwhile, the store consultants, gray-haired from the ordeal, will swear they won’t approach any customer with the foolish question: “How can I help you?”
Meanwhile, Libra heads to the designer, demanding they buy everything. But this idiot pulls out a photo album of completed projects and lays it in front of Libra, saying: “Choose.” That was the designer’s last day. While their remains dissolve in hydrochloric acid, Libra blows the renovation money on a trip to Goa to avoid tormenting themselves with this cursed renovation.
Scorpio
They take a different path. Their renovation looks like no one else’s. What kind of mainstream stuff? Hard rock! Styled after the Wild West or exotic East. A minimalist samurai dwelling also works. No euro-renovations! For Scorpio, knocking down walls is a piece of cake, just so a jacuzzi fits perfectly onto the balcony.
Lying in foam, gazing at the night city—that’s what Scorpio was born for! Scorpios with artistic talent (there are plenty of born artists among them) will paint the walls themselves. Scorpios who aren’t friends with a paintbrush will still dive headfirst into renovation. Dirty work won’t scare them; they might even find it slightly charming wearing a silk robe that reeks of acetone. By the way, honey, come here—we’ll get some work done; we’ve never done it on a wall stripped of old wallpaper.
Sagittarius
Timid approach to renovation. And economical. After all, they have to supervise the process themselves, since they won’t hire companies offering “turnkey” renovation. They’ll hire Uncle Vasya, passed down from acquaintances. They’ll follow him step by step, murmuring: “Sorry to bother,” “Thank you kindly,” and “Oh, seems a bit crooked here… no? Sorry, many thanks!”
Uncle Vasya has a dog’s nose for such intellectuals, so he’ll slap everything together in the style of “good enough,” and soon something will fall off here, something will tilt there, something will warp. Sagittarius will endure this for a couple of years, then hire Uncle Petya and ask him to avoid using the perforator so as not to disturb the neighbors again.
Capricorn
Thorough approach to renovation. Capricorn starts by calculating the budget. Then they’ll double it (Capricorns know this golden rule well) and begin saving. Only then will they head to the construction store, where the staff awaits astonishing adventures. First, the sales consultant, smirking condescendingly, shoves into Capricorn’s hands things they didn’t ask for.
An hour later, twitching their eye, the sales consultant swears they can’t offer tiles with mother-of-pearl buttons—and anyway, what buttons? It’s tiles! What do buttons have to do with it?! Two hours later, the sales consultant is on their knees, sobbing: “Should I give birth to them or what?”
Ha! Capricorn knows what they’re doing. By the end of the workday, the whimpering sales consultant miraculously produces tiles with mother-of-pearl buttons, and Capricorn, cheerfully whistling, heads home—where a carefree construction crew still awaits, completely unaware of the astonishing adventures ahead.
Aquarius
Dives into renovation by accident. Everything was quiet and peaceful—Aquarius just dropped by old friends. And they, quite by chance, recently did a renovation. And it begins—what beauty is this new tile of yours, where is it sold, how much does it cost, how’s delivery, hmm… really convenient and affordable… Aquarius returns home armed with the coordinates of the magical new tile store and strong-armed workers with steady hands, stunning the unsuspecting household members who weren’t expecting anything. Tile—yes, possible. The hushed household timidly reports there’s no money for the new tile.
Aquarius immediately sends them to rob a bank. They shouldn’t have to worry about silly things—they should be soaking in a bathtub with magical tiles.
Pisces
Renovation on a grand scale, massive. Knock something down here, expand there—more space and air. And over there, in that little corner, a modest aquarium with hippos will quietly fit. In euphoria, Pisces demolish half the apartment—and then, without warning, treacherously run out of money. So Pisces spend long months tripping over loose tiles in the hallway, promising themselves they’ll definitely start renovation on Monday—hundred percent—and finish it next month, as surely as giving water to drink.
Awaiting the promised miracle, Pisces confidently reassure stunned guests with meaningful expressions that the kitchen wall stripped down to bare brick is actually a cutting-edge concept called “Red Pill” by the creators of “The Matrix.” The funniest part? Some well-known figures, seeing this mess, cautiously wonder—maybe they should do something like this too?
