Want to learn about a person? Do some renovation with them! This seemingly peaceful activity sometimes turns into a real disaster. Nerve cells die in unison with a wallet that melts before your eyes. For the sake of your own health, it wouldn’t hurt to know what to expect from your partner during this difficult period.
Eternal renovation. There’s no room for jokes—renovation must be perfect. And budget-friendly. Perfect and budget-friendly. To fit into these frames, Aries will furiously study the price lists of all building supermarkets, kiosks, and tents. Soon, they will know all current and upcoming promotions, and their pockets will be stuffed with discount coupons. After a month of meticulous price monitoring, store managers will recognize Aries by the persistence of their calls, let alone their voice. No wonder the renovation process moves at a snail’s pace until one wall is perfected to ideal standards before Aries moves on to the next. “My home is my fortress, and everything in it must be perfect”—they say, pointing out that a socket needs to be installed 1.5 cm higher. The big question is whether Aries will live to see the completion of their perfect renovation.
Renovation costs Taurus incredible effort. It stands still. Yes, damn it, renovation means emptying your wallet. And what could be worse for Taurus than parting with money? Then there’s another problem—Taurus has a physical need for the renovation’s end result to last forever. This means using “eternal” materials, but here’s the catch—they’re expensive. And that’s enough for Taurus to explode. Another issue looms: Taurus can’t stand living in a shabby environment; they need luxury, brilliance, and beauty, which require even more money. The circle is closed. Taurus isn’t built to live in it. And they tear and rage, tearing and raging, with debris raining down on unfortunate household members. Surviving the renovation with Taurus is a task for those “lucky” enough to be involved.
Lovers of spontaneous renovations. A new magnet on the fridge automatically triggers a complete kitchen overhaul because the wall color clashes with the magnet. Or it happened like this: Gemini went, excuse the intimate detail, to relieve themselves in a building superstore and accidentally bought a chandelier. A beautiful one!!! But green. And the wallpaper is blue. Not a good match. And Gemini has a passion for neatness. They’d rather change the wallpaper than return the new chandelier. Gemini can’t save money, so completing the entire renovation at once is a problem for them. So what? Not renovating? Nonsense! So there’s a high chance of meeting Gemini living in an eclectic home where triple-glazed windows, a super-modern insulated balcony, wallpaper that looks like vintage newspapers (terribly beautiful!), and a ruined Khrushchev-era kitchen—where even cockroaches refuse to stick their antennae—coexist peacefully.
Cancer approaches renovation with a technical mindset. Generally, practical folks with long-term connections. So they always have a neighbor of a neighbor’s brother’s friend from kindergarten who tiles divinely, and their electrician father-in-law’s brother’s neighbor’s sister is a genius with wiring. On top of that, Cancers have excellent abstract thinking and memory, so they can plan ahead and determine that floor tiles from the first store will match wallpaper from the second. And they’re right! It seems like smooth sailing—just renovate and enjoy! But their family attachment gets in the way. Yes, in the “nest,” there might be a Gemini who isn’t satisfied with the perfect kitchen Cancer created. Need I explain? The kitchen doesn’t match the magnet on the fridge! The poor Cancer suffers, torn between their own sense of beauty and love for their loved ones. Give Cancer some peace! And everything will be fine.
These renovations are done with passion. They’re fans of hustle and bustle, and what could compare to renovation? It’s the most bustling towel. They’re unfazed by dirty workmen in grimy overalls hammering and drilling endlessly in their home. Why stress when the house is full of servants they can boss around?! Paradise! In the whirlwind of renovation Leo creates, their entire inner and outer circle usually gets caught up—those who own a car, can move furniture, or can haul a piano up to the ninth floor without an elevator. And yes, even loved ones can be bossed around. An unexpectedly prolonged renovation and missed deadlines by the builders aren’t reason for Leo to ruin their mood or panic. With Olympian calm and a Mona Lisa smile, they flip pancakes with a trowel, fine the renovation crew a week’s salary, and beam with happiness.
Only a thorough renovation! “Just let’s wallpaper the walls”? What if the wiring suddenly needs changing? Then what—rip off what was just pasted? Walls—level them. Outlets—replace them. Ceiling—refresh it. And install new storage units. If there’s even a one-in-a-million chance Virgo can handle the renovation alone without hiring a construction crew, they’ll do it. Who’s in the construction crew? People. And you can’t trust people—even a child knows that. In reality, Virgos love renovations, even though problems inevitably arise during the process. Their love is understandable—their head is always cluttered, and emotions overflow. Virgos need emotions like air. A Virgo without emotions isn’t a Virgo anymore—it’s some kind of Capricorn.
A renovation that’s pure hell. And it starts, as they say, with the coat rack—in a decor store, there are 15 kinds of coat racks! What kind of madness is this—to choose from 15 different coat racks?! What nerves does it take to endure this?! And this is just the lousy coat racks… laminate, wallpaper, chandeliers, tiles… oh my! Libra can spend half a day in a building store and leave empty-handed. The exhausted consultants, who’ve spent half a day with them, will swear they’ll never approach another customer with an absurd question: “How may I help you?” Meanwhile, Libra heads to a designer to have everything purchased for them. But this idiot pulls out an album of finished projects and lays it in front of Libra’s nose, accompanied by the words: “Choose.” That was the last day for the designer. While his remains dissolve in hydrochloric acid, Libra spends the saved renovation money on a trip to Goa to avoid this cursed renovation.
They take a different path. Their renovation isn’t like anyone else’s. What’s that pop stuff? Hard rock! Stylized as the Wild West or exotic East. An ascetic samurai dwelling will do too. Euro-renovations? Scorpio can demolish walls in one fell swoop just to fit a jacuzzi on the balcony later. Lying in the foam, gazing at the night city—that’s what Scorpio was born for! Scorpios with artistic talent (and there are plenty of born artists among them) will paint the walls themselves. Scorpios who aren’t friends with a paintbrush will still dive headfirst into the renovation process. They aren’t scared of dirty work; they even find it somewhat charming to work in a silk peignoir that smells of acetone. By the way, kid, come here, let’s get to work—we’ve never done this on a pile of torn wallpaper before.
A timid approach to renovation. And an economical one. After all, they have to control the process themselves since they can’t be dragged into companies offering “turnkey” renovations. They’ll hire Uncle Vasya, who came their way through acquaintances. And they’ll follow him around, muttering: “Excuse me,” “Thank you kindly,” and “Oh, it seems a bit crooked here… isn’t it?”
«Excuse me, thank you very much!» Uncle Vasya has a sharp nose for such intellectuals, so he does everything in the “it’ll do” style, and soon something will fall off, something will warp, something will twist. Sagittarius will endure this for a couple of years and then hire Uncle Petya, asking him to do without a jackhammer so as not to disturb the neighbors again.
Takes a thorough approach to repairs. Capricorn will start by calculating the estimate. Then multiply it by two (Capricorns know this golden rule) and begin saving money. After that, they head to the hardware store, where the staff is in for some amazing adventures. First, the sales consultant, smirking condescendingly, hands Capricorn something they didn’t ask for. An hour later, twitching with irritation, the consultant swears they can’t offer tiles with mother-of-pearl buttons—what buttons? It’s tiles, what do buttons have to do with it?! Two hours later, the consultant is sobbing on their knees, asking, “Am I giving birth to them or what?” Ha! Capricorn knows what they’re doing. By the end of the workday, the hiccuping consultant delivers tiles with mother-of-pearl buttons, and Capricorn, whistling cheerfully, heads home, where a carefree construction crew still awaits—unaware of the amazing adventures ahead of them.
Dives into repairs by accident. Everything was quiet and peaceful—just Aquarius dropped by to visit old friends. And they had just happened to recently renovate. And suddenly—what beauty, this new tile, where do you buy it, how much does it cost, how’s delivery, hmm… really convenient and cheap… At home, Aquarius returns armed with the coordinates of the store with the magical new tile and a team of willing hands, stunning the unsuspecting household with the tile—if only it were possible. The stunned family members timidly mention there’s no money for new tile. Aquarius immediately sends them off to rob a bank. They shouldn’t waste their head on trivialities; they need to take a bath in the magical tile.
Repairs on a grand scale, massive in scope. Break something here, expand something there—space and air galore. And over there, in that corner, a modest aquarium quietly settles in. With hippos. In their euphoria, Pisces demolish half the apartment, and then, without warning, they run out of money. For months, Pisces stumble over tiles in the hallway, promising themselves that starting Monday they’ll buckle down and finish the job next month, if only they had the funds. While waiting for the miracle, Pisces reassure stunned guests with a confident voice and meaningful expressions that the brick-exposed wall in the kitchen is just an ultra-modern concept—“The Red Pill” by the creators of *The Matrix*. The most interesting part? Some well-known signs, looking at this trash, cautiously start thinking maybe they could do something like that too.
