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We won’t dismiss the idea, nor will we confirm that planets and stars directly influence health, but the behavior of those who catch a cold certainly depends on them.
Aries
As befits a ram, Aries boldly displays to everyone that he is not sick. Does he sneeze with the force of Karabas-Barabas? Oh, that’s just a speck in his nose. Does he cough so hard he doubles over? Pfft! Just choked a little. Temperature over forty? What’s with you, keeping the windows closed in this heat? So if relatives and colleagues want to diagnose him, they should become aces in medical guides—otherwise, Aries will show up at the meeting with the Flu before long.
Taurus
Taurus endures until the very last moment, and when he finally collapses into a horizontal position, he announces that he’s passed away, says goodbye, folds his hands over his chest, and closes his eyes. No reaction to external stimuli. A horrifying sight… doctors are baffled, and relatives panic. And all for nothing. If life has thrown you together with a Taurus, you should know about the software bugs in his immune system. If you manage to bring a sick Taurus to his senses and tell him that his sick leave won’t be paid, that everything is gone—the cast comes off, the patient leaves—he will recover instantly, as if someone had sprinkled him with the water of life.
Gemini
For Gemini, illness is a valuable thing. In fact, everything that can serve as an excuse for his life position: “It’s impossible to work in these conditions!” Stars have gifted Gemini with excellent acting skills, which he skillfully employs, presenting a scratch as an arm severed to the elbow or, with snot dripping from his right nostril, declaring with a desperate cry that he can’t even take a breath. Under such circumstances, sick Gemini should be unbearable, but they aren’t. Within a day, the commotion over the right nostril bores Gemini, and he rejoins the ranks of the healthy.
Cancer
A subspecies of the indestructible tin soldier, existing in only two states: “all is well” and “oh, sorry, I seem to have died.” The second option can be ruled out by cutting off Cancer’s access to the internet and medical encyclopedias. This is the sign that diagnoses every ailment in itself, except for childbirth fever. Don’t indulge Cancer’s distrust, and you’ll have an eternal engine in his face.
Leo
Leos are doctors’ favorites. The reason is their reverent attitude toward their health—it’s beneath a king to sniffle. In Leo’s home medicine cabinet, there are remedies to prevent any ailment, including malaria, despite living in Norilsk. If Leo somehow catches a virus, his absence at work will be hard to notice, as his phone will turn red from his calls—no need to go to the babushka, his trifles will collapse without him.
Virgo
This sign can’t stand doctors. Virgo firmly sits on the needle of diets, homeopathy, and folk remedies. To defeat conventional medicine is a matter of honor for Virgo (and often, victory is on Virgo’s side). It’s not about the effectiveness of goat dung in treating ringworm, but about Virgo’s stubborn nature, their confidence in the beneficial properties of dung, and, if we’re being honest, their difficult character.
Libra
They have a rare talent for catching viruses—three in one: a biohazard suit, a gas mask, and a concrete bunker won’t stop a microbe from passing by. So falling ill for Libra is as easy as sneezing. But this misfortune doesn’t greatly affect Libra’s mood. Life is beautiful! What’s the big deal—got sick? Bring me a kilogram and a half of those delicious pills, 150 grams of long pills, and a can of Pertussin. I’ll kiss you all through the mask, see you next Monday, have a great week!
Scorpio
In suggestibility, Scorpio pairs with Cancer. However, as a gift from nature, Scorpio has the strongest natural immunity. So unless you inform him about a raging zombie apocalypse, he won’t even notice it. But if you tell him that rabies can be overcome at the stage of hydrophobia, he will triumphantly overcome it, leaving white-coated professionals stunned. No matter the illness, Scorpio will overcome it, and it will be easier for him than for others.
Sagittarius
A tough nut to crack. Their motto: never get sick! Even a sick Sagittarius will insist that he absolutely cannot afford to be ill. They also avoid prevention—why bother with nonsense? So when a TV announcer hints at an epidemic of something or other, experienced employers hand Sagittarius a sick leave slip and escort him out of the office with security. It’s better to keep him away until his arrows don’t lay low the entire team. Sagittarius won’t voluntarily leave his workplace. What plague is this, when I have an audit?
Capricorn
With enthusiasm and pioneer zeal, Capricorn tests his body for strength. What’s gastritis when there’s such a crispy cutlet—just one? What’s a fracture when I have a flight to the Maldives tomorrow? Wrap the cast in film so it doesn’t get soggy in the sea, and sign my sick leave under my responsibility. Where’s the morgue? Does it have Wi-Fi?
Aquarius
Aquarius fall ill and recover with expertise. From birth, they are equipped with the most powerful built-in diagnostic device in their brain, which works almost flawlessly. So their own head inspires more trust in them than the opinion of an average doctor. Because of this, the average Aquarius’s medicine cabinet is so stocked that seeing its contents would make a frog squeeze the average pharmacist. Along with the standard set for diarrhea and a shaky nervous system, it also contains a special analgesic, grown on an edelweiss peak, harvested in 1977.
Pisces
In terms of virtuosity in illness, Pisces give dramatic actors a run for their money. Pisces pities themselves to the point of swooning, squeezing every last drop out of a trivial cold. When the fatal mark of “37.2” appears at Pisces’ bedside, a notary is already waiting to certify a new will. After signing it with a weakening hand and the notary’s departure, Pisces barely raises their head from the pillow and whispers: “Everything’s fine, I’ll make it, don’t worry about me—you’re late for your corporate party, go have fun, leave me, leave.”
