Have you ever seen a man cry? Maybe you have, but it’s quite a rare occurrence. Whining, however, is common enough. Men whine, complain, and are dissatisfied with everything: “Oh, work is so hard. My boss is on my case, and when I walked back, it poured so much rain I got completely soaked. On top of that, I’m starving, there’s nothing to eat at home, and just imagine, my colleague…” and so on and so forth.
Whining should not be encouraged. In fact, it’s safe to say it must never be encouraged. Avoid falling into the typical female pity response: “Poor baby, you’re so tired, you’re cold, nobody appreciates your genius because they’re all fools. Life is so hard for you. Come here, let me feed you and comfort you.”
Why shouldn’t whining be encouraged, and how can you stop it?
Whining is one of the main causes of failure and poor adaptation to life. What exactly is whining? It’s focusing one’s thoughts on personal or others’ misfortunes instead of concentrating on one’s own goals and plans. As a result, a person becomes unable to achieve anything significant through their own efforts and gradually loses self-confidence. This can lead to life disillusionment, cynicism, constant lying, illnesses, and even alcoholism or drug addiction.
Moreover, living with someone who constantly complains and whines is extremely difficult. Therefore, if you’re facing this issue, it’s worth paying some attention to it.
How can you do this? Here are several practical tips on the subject.
Turn off your ability to listen.
The skill of attentive listening to a man (and not only to him) is generally very valuable and can bring many benefits in family life. This skill implies that you actively encourage the speaker to talk about themselves—asking specific questions, rephrasing, taking a certain stance, maintaining eye contact, etc.
However, it’s important not only to know how to actively listen, but also sometimes to actively “not listen.” If your husband starts whining, don’t support the conversation. Don’t ask questions, don’t rephrase his words, don’t maintain eye contact—turn slightly away, perhaps even start cleaning or focus on some extremely important personal tasks that can’t wait.
After a while, the man will begin speaking less emotionally and often stops the conversation altogether. That’s the perfect moment to move on to the next technique.
Shift the conversation to another topic or start talking about yourself.
Have you been told it’s impolite to change the subject when your conversation partner is discussing something important to them? It is impolite. I agree. When my wife shares something with me, changing the subject would be rude, so I try to listen attentively.
However, when you redirect a man’s conversation—especially when he’s sharing complaints and irrelevant matters—I believe shifting the topic is entirely ethical, appropriate, and, most importantly, wise.
It’s also important that in 90% of cases, this isn’t difficult at all. Simply ask a question about a different topic, and that’s it. Preferably, avoid something like “Did you take out the trash?” and instead ask about his goals or interests.
You can also simply start talking about yourself. Listening too much to others is harmful—it’s exhausting and prevents you from focusing on your own thoughts. You need to learn how to talk about yourself too. So start sharing your own affairs and interests. If your husband doesn’t know how to listen, it’s high time he learned.
Simply say you’re interested in his actions, not his excuses.
Or tell him you’re tired of a particular conversation and would prefer to talk about his goals, about yourself, about raising children, etc.
Sometimes changing the subject doesn’t work. The man keeps returning to petty grievances, excuses, endless discussions of rumors, and so on.
In such cases, you can speak directly and tell him that conversations on certain topics don’t interest you.
For example, if your husband constantly talks about disasters and murders he saw on TV, you can clearly say—and repeat—that disasters don’t interest you. Nothing can be done about them anyway, and you’re not interested in repeatedly discussing the same things.
Or, if your husband constantly whines about work, you could say something like: “Honey, I understand that at your job, only people who don’t understand you and don’t appreciate your genius have gathered. I’m no longer interested in hearing about it. Tell me instead what you plan to do about it.”
Forget about sympathy and helping.
This point, due to its importance, deserves a special article or even a series of articles. The only thing I want you to remember is that by showing sympathy and helping a man too much, you turn him into a failure who feels not a gram of gratitude toward you and will leave you at the first opportunity. (He will change)
You don’t need to give or lend him money, sacrifice your hobbies or career for his sake, help him dress, or sympathize with him when he’s hurt or experiences failure (unless it’s truly serious, like a broken bone or a major setback). I could list another dozen things you shouldn’t do, but I think the general idea is clear.
Instead, after a failure (once the man has come to his senses, of course), it’s better to say that you believe in him. Shift his thinking toward the future, let him be alone for a while, periodically give him small tasks, and so on.
Ask him what he actually did during the day.
It’s rare for a man to do absolutely nothing and desire nothing. Usually, he does something at work and at home. Some things go well, others don’t. Ask him more about his actual activities. Pay special attention to new efforts or changes where results might be small but challenges significant.
Well, that’s all the advice. What else can be said? A man’s habit of whining is precisely a habit, often instilled in childhood by overly pitying “mommies.” But to some extent, it’s even a habit shared by two people: the woman has the habit of listening to complaints, feeling sorry, and sympathizing, while the man has the habit of whining. No matter how much you and your husband want it to change, it won’t disappear in a day, even if you dedicate all your attention to it.
Therefore, of course, you can use these tips occasionally, just to interrupt a specific conversation. But it’s best if you dedicate a month or a month and a half to this. Get used to talking about yourself and your affairs—about what you want, what you dream of, how to achieve it, and so on. Value yourself and your life more, don’t encourage your husband’s whining, and don’t be a “mommy.”
